Tom Waits, this Blingee represents my love for you!
Have I ever mentioned how Tom Waits is the best?
Well, he is.
You'd think that his music alone would qualify him for this title... and you'd be right. But there's so much more to Mister Waits. Soooo much fucking more.
He's a composer, an actor, a master storyteller, a curator of American folklore, a walking monument honoring his own greatness. He's undeniably the coolest human being to ever walk this filthy rock. The mere concept of avant-garde was created in an attempt to describe his "beyondness." He is in fact beyond the bounds of the trivial nature of musical trends and fashions. He is eternally relevant and as constant and familiar as gravity itself.
You know those Dos Equis commercials with "the most interesting man in the world"? Yeah, that man looks wistfully to the sky each night and wishes he was Tom Waits.
Hyperbole doesn't even do him justice.
He's in a movie with Heath Ledger, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Colin Farrell, and yet, Tom Waits is the one who steals the show and totally makes me swoon:
I mean, who would ever think of announcing a concert tour like this:
No one, I tells you! Are you getting all this?! Do I have to say it again?!? TOM WAITS THE BEST!!! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
If there was a city called Awesomeville, Tom Waits would be its Mayor-For-Life and it would always be ranked #1, #2, and #4 on those "Best Places To Live In The World" countdowns. I'd move there in a hummingbird's heartbeat and punch myself in the face for each previous day that I had not lived there.
I don't know how else I can express my feelings on this. I'm done.
Oh, but you know who else is the best? Steve Buscemi.
Steve Buscemi, this Blingee represents my love for you!
Have I ever mentioned how Steve Buscemi is the best?!
Well, he is.
Few actors have as much range or are as universally respected as Mister Buscemi. He's been in more movies and television shows than anyone else I can think of right this second. And even though he's totally made acting his bitch, it's like, barely a hobby for him. He also writes, directs, and produces!
And that's just the fucking beginning.
Did you know he used to be a New York City fireman from 1980 to 1984? A fucking fireman. Get this, he fucking shows up at his old firehouse the day after 9/11 to volunteer. Just shows up, like, "I'm here, fuckers, give me a shovel." This motherfucker worked twelve hour shifts for a week, digging through rubble with his old comrades. Where were you?
He wasn't getting paid for that shit. He wasn't looking for recognition. He just did it because he's a fucking good guy. Compared to Steve Buscemi, you and I are fucking pathetic. Just useless fucking turds.
And when was the last time you heard anyone say anything bad about Steve Buscemi? It just doesn't happen. No one denies this!
I don't know, man, I'm just proud to live in a world that has Steve Buscemi in it and this is the only way I know how to say it. You should be proud too.
Now do yourself a favor and go rent Airheads. It's fucking great, you know it. Here's a reminder:
I wish Steve Buscemi was in my band. We'd be called The Steve Buscemi Project featuring Steve Buscemi. I wouldn't mind playing second fiddle to him, he's the best.
