Mutiny!!!

Growing up, I was always told to think and act independently even if it meant going against the flow.

I always thought that this was an eloquent principle and a fine way to live one's life.

That is, until I ran into this solitary, defiant act of self expressions in the face of conformity:

Let me draw your attention to the single upturned beard hair resting in the middle of my lower lip. It's been that way for the last 24 hours. No matter how many times I try to keep it down, it springs back up, tickling my lip and breaching into my mouth, making me think I'm about to swallow a hair.

What makes hair act so adversely to their sole creator and provider? I blame the liberal media, insurrectionist literature and devil worshipping rock and roll. I'm sure the recent release of Grand Theft Auto IV has something to do with this as well.

I better squash this act of defiance before it starts a bigger uprising. Where are my tweezers of oppression?

It's A Big, Dusty Universe Out There

I have mixed feelings about NASA and their exorbitant budget, but I will admit that the Hubble telescope has been worth every penny of the $4 to $6 billion that have been invested so far. The pictures are amazing, let alone all the knowledge that has been acquired from them (and the great album covers that have been realized as well).

The launch of the more powerful James Webb Space telescope in 2013 will likely yield new discoveries and great new images of the oldest light of the universe, but in the meantime, the Hubble has proven quite revelatory on its own merits.

It's the 18th anniversary of the launch of Hubble today and NASA has released a bunch of new pictures, mostly of merging galaxies. I suggest you take some time to check out the entire collection of pics here and perhaps gain some perspective on how insignificant you really are in the scheme of the universe.

See, now that problem you've been having with your second cousin's roommate's girlfriend doesn't seem so important, does it?!

Now, I've Heard Of The Flying Nun....

The following article was brought to my attention by Adrienne who saw it on PerezHilton, of all places. I thought I would share it with you.

Enjoy:

Missing, the Brazilian priest who floated off under hundreds of helium party balloons

A Roman Catholic priest who floated off under hundreds of helium party balloons is missing off the southern coast of Brazil.

Rescuers in helicopters and small fishing boats were searching off the coast of Santa Catarina state, where pieces of balloons were found.

The Rev Adelir Antonio de Carli lifted off from the port city of Paranagua on Sunday afternoon, wearing a helmet, thermal suit and a parachute.

The smiling 41-year-old priest was strapped to a seat attached to a huge column green, red, white and yellow balloons, and soared into the air to the cheers of a crowd.

He was reported missing about eight hours later after losing contact with port authority officials.

The priest wanted to break a 19-hour record for the most hours flying with balloons to raise money for a spiritual rest-stop for truckers in Paranagua, Brazil's second-largest port for agricultural products.

Some American adventurers have used helium balloons to emulate Larry Walters - who in 1982 rose three miles above Los Angeles in a lawn chair lifted by balloons.

The priest soared to an altitude of 20,000 feet then descended to about 8,200 feet for his planned flight to the city of Dourados, 465 miles north-west of his parish.

But winds pushed him in another direction, and Carli was some 30 miles off the coast when he last contacted Paranagua's port authority.

Carli had a GPS device, a satellite phone, and a buoyant chair and is an experienced skydiver, said the treasurer of his Sao Cristovao parish, Denise Gallas.

"We are absolutely confident he will be found alive and well, floating somewhere in the ocean," she said.

"He knew what he was doing and was fully prepared for any kind of mishap."

Apparently he wasn't as fully prepared as he could have been.

I'll try to keep you updated if he's found.

No More Mr. Douche Guy

The Food Network has spawned a multitude of odious personalities over the years. Rachael Ray's irksome spunk. Bobby Flay's pompous arrogance. Even Giada De Laurentiis' bountiful breasts managed to get tiresome after a while. But their latest addition takes the proverbial cake:

That's right. Guy Fieri.

This dude has no redeeming values whatsoever. He can't cook, has no palate, and seems to be reduced to eating BBQ and hamburgers all over the country as if that has cultural relevance. What's worst is that he was chosen to be the Next Food Network Star by winning a popular vote on the show (another reason people shouldn't be trusted to vote, as stated in my previous blog).

His sense of style is perhaps his most questionable trait. He's always wearing some sort of bowler shirt, cargo shorts, sandals, an armband and the kind of dragon/skull-inspired jewelry they only sell to misguided goths at Hot Topic. He has spiky bleached hair and a sculpted goatee and always has a pair of sunglasses resting backwards on the back of his fat head.

Dreadful. Truly dreadful.

If you see him on the street or at your local burger joint, please kick him in the nuts for me.

The Intersection Of Sarcasm & Dismay

At last!

The time for white males to have a political voice is finally here! For the first time in American history, white males will have the opportunity to influence a presidential election (well, if you don't count the time when no one BUT white males could actually vote, but that's not really important)!

I'm so glad that we're finally getting ours. The agenda and ideals of white males have been held down for way too long --but no more! Get ready to meet the new boss, America! White men are ready for their turn at the top of the social pyramid, neglect us no more! We call the shots now!

Free at last! Free at last!

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I think that presidential elections are held every four years because it is the exact amount of time it takes an intelligent person to forget how insulting the whole process is for exactly 5 minutes before it starts all over again and whatever hope for humanity remains is lost once more.

I'm also beginning to think that as long as everyone has the right to vote, we don't deserve good representation in government. It's the same old story, ignorant voters beget ignorant government. Some would take it a step further and say that ignorant government begets ignorant policy which begets ignorant voters, but that's a whole other blog.

Oh, and is it just me, but is the notion of two millionaire senators calling another millionaire senator an "elitist" a bit ridiculous?

That's like the pot AND the cast iron stove calling the kettle black.

It's Already Been Broughten, Literally...

Don’t ask me how I know this¹, but the Family Channel loves The Cutting Edge and the Bring It On movie franchises way too much for comfort.

Every weekend it’s a marathon of one or the other. They usually spread them out over Friday, Saturday and Sunday night so that we can presumably plan a whole weekend around these gems.

Who knew they even made a second Cutting Edge movie, let alone a third?! And there’s like four(!) Bring It On movies. The first one was entertaining in a harmless, teen movie kind of way, but it certainly didn’t merit three sequels, especially when they don’t even feature Kirsten Dunst’s charming snaggletooth.

And while we’re on the subject, I think the phrase "bring it on" should be retired for good. I hear it daily and people who say it are seldom taken up on the offer. As a matter of fact, the next person that says "bring it on" to me is gonna get clothes-lined on the spot, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Now, if you’ll allow me to go all George Carlin on you, here’s some other words and/or phrases that should go extinct:

Diva - I blame VH1 for springing this term into the open for every self-involved, egotistical, conceited cunt to describe herself when they started airing their VH1 Divas concerts ten years ago. The concerts were bad enough, but VH1 gave an epithet to a group of people that really didn’t need any more sense of entitlement.

Genius - This word gets thrown around way too much, usually by people who don’t know any better, especially when it involves some form of art. Just because you’ve never heard anyone take acid before and fart into a microphone with some reverb and delay and call it music doesn’t make the members of the Animal Collective² artistic geniuses, it just makes you sound like an asshole.

Literally - "You literally froze to death while walking to your car this morning?!", I literally wish that were true.

"I know, right?" - It’s the U.S. version of n’est pas? and if more Americans realized that, they would certainly stop saying it.

Fierce - I hated this word until I saw this SNL skit and now maybe it’s growing back on me. No, I take that back, it’s still quite unpalatable and disagreeable. Thanks, Tyra Banks.

Bro - Unless it is being used in reference to one’s actual brother, it is inexcusable and punishable by liberal use of taser. Some frat boys have become aware of this and have promptly switched to kid, which is even more degrading. I say, do away with both and call it a day.

"_______ rocks!" - My friend James already covered this one quite extensively on his blog (btw, I hope he has it set on public view otherwise the link won’t work) so I won’t even get into it.

That’s it for now.

You can thank the Family Channel for this rant.

¹All right, Adrienne makes me watch Gilmore Girls reruns on the Family Channel all the time. That Lorelai Gilmore is kind of hot but she really needs to shut the hell up every once in a while. The dialogue on that show gives me a headache.

²I really don’t mean to rag on the Animal Collective all the time, but it’s just so easy...