I'm Onto You, Susan Boyle.

Don't think I haven't noticed...

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Just Another Day In Eternia

Trimming the Bowl Cut

Skeletor Gets a Root Canal

[by Kiersten Essenpreis @ you fail]

Jawbox Performs On Jimmy Fallon

Coolest Man On Planet Makes 60 The Coolest Age To Turn

Don't believe me? Just listen:



See Also: Tom Waits Is The Best!

The Buddy Cop-Dog Movie Hierarchy And How To Revitalize The Genre

Roger Ebert coined the term "Wunza Movie" to describe the Buddy Cop film genre—a pun on the phrase "one's a...", used to describe the diametrical differences between the films' main characters.

You know, like:

One's a veteran cop on the verge of retirement—he's trying to kick a bad drinking habit and has a death wish, but underneath his tough exterior, beats a heart of gold. The other's an uptight and naive Mormon who, by happenstance, witnesses a gang-related murder presided on by a high-ranking government official. Together, they must overcome their differences to bring down a corrupt crime syndicate in Salt Lake City.

Sometimes bad guys get parched by the DRY HEAT.

These movies practically wrote themselves in the Eighties.¹

And while there are many permutations of the Buddy Cop formula, perhaps the most enjoyable sub-genre is the Buddy Cop-Dog movie, established in its own right by such hits as K-9, Turner & Hooch, and Top Dog.

K-9 was the first of the three to be released, a full three months before Turner & Hooch, and it starred comedic actor Jim Belushi as a bad tempered detective who partners with a destructive German Sheppard to bring down a drug trafficking operation. K-9 was by all accounts a hit, raking in $43 million in 1989.

Turner & Hooch, however, is widely considered to be the bellwether of the genre, bringing in $71 million in that same year. It starred rising comedic actor Tom Hanks as an obsessively clean detective who partners with a destructive Bordeaux Mastiff to bring down a money laundering operation.

What made Turner & Hooch hands down a better Buddy Cop-Dog movie than K-9 was the fact that Tom Hanks, having already been in such hits as Big, The 'Burbs and Splash, was way more popular than Jim Belushi, who only received starring roles on account of his funnier dead brother.

And another component of success was the fact that as a breed, Bordeaux Mastiffs are inherently funnier looking than German Sheppards. You see, humor is a big part of the Buddy Cop-Dog genre, and if you can't sell the absurdity of the unlikely partnership, everything else suffers in the end.

But Turner & Hooch wasn't just funnier than K-9, it also turned up the drama factor by (SPOILER) killing Hooch at the end of the film. I guarantee you that there wasn't a dry eye in the house when that fucking goofy dog died in the end. That's box-office gold. It was nearly impossible to top as a genre piece.

Top Dog tried just that in 1995, turning the world on its head by casting action star Chuck Norris as a maverick detective who partners with a Tibetan Terrier to bring down a neo-Nazi arm smuggling operation. Needless to say, Top Dog was a huge box-office failure, it only made $5 million.²

The Buddy Cop-Dog movie hence never recovered and America—nay—the world suffers from the loss to this very day.

But if history has proven anything, it's that success in Hollywood is cyclical and what's old is made new all over again. It's just a matter of time before someone tries to revitalize this beloved genre.

So, let's look at the elements needed in order to ensure success:

• A likable, rising comedic actor.
• A funny-looking breed of dog.
• A semi-serious setting within a generic crime plot.
• A tear-jerking dog death.

And recent films prove that all of these elements are still viable box office draws:

• Rising comedic actor—> Zach Galifianakis' The Hangover brought in $460 million in 2009.
  
• Funny-looking dogs—> Beverly Hills Chihuahua made $149 million in 2008.
• Generic crime plots—> Paul Blart: Mall Cop brings in $183 million in 2009.
  
• Tear-jerking dog deaths—> Marley And Me made $243 million in 2008.

And with that in mind, may I present you with:


(SPOILER: The dog dies in the end, but not before impregnating a bitch with his puppies... SEQUEL!!!)

You're welcome, Hollywood. Now get to it.


¹ I'm not exaggerating—in 1986, Paramount Pictures patented a computer script-writing program called EASE-A (Electronic Automated Script Enlightenment Apparatus.) All it needed for a story was two unlikely main characters, a slew of stereotypes, time-worn clichés, and voilà!—a summer blockbuster's in the bag.

EASE-A cranked out a bunch of hits before becoming self-aware in 1990 and tastefully choosing to self-destruct. The last remnants recovered from its hard drive were later used to construct the successful Rush Hour series. Seth MacFarlane is also said to have built a similar model from the original blueprints to develop several FOX animated shows.

² Perhaps the fact that it was released only nine days after the Oklahoma City bombing, and the film's plot actually features a gang of militant right-wingers who intend to detonate a bomb in a public place also had a hand in its failure. The film took in a measly $300 on opening night in Oklahoma City, which didn't even cover the film's extensive Chuck Norris beard-maintenance budget.

Quickie Record Reviews: Fall '09 Edition

It's time to dust off the Bazooka™ ratings and dole them out to some of the more notable album releases of the past few months.

Here's the break down, in case you forgot:
5 Bazookas: Classic (KABOOM!!)


4 Bazookas: Great (BOOM!!)


3 Bazookas: Good (POW!)


2 Bazookas: Not Too Good (bang?)


1 Bazooka: Total Crap (...thud.)

Them Crooked Vultures - Them Crooked Vultures

Queens of the Stone Age's Josh Homme emerges as the alpha male in this super-group vanity project rounded out by Foo Fighters' Dave Grohl and Led Zeppelin's John Paul Jones. Blues riffs not quite as dirty as the Dead Weather, but just as playful and unrestrained.

Flaming Lips - Embryonic

The Flaming Lips must have recently reached a comfortable level of popularity because Embryonic is by far their least accessible record of the last decade. That being said, it's also the closest they've come to their freak-out, free-for-all roots in as much time. Art rock meets Bitches Brew.

Future of the Left - Travels With Myself And Another

Mclusky alums Andy "Falco" Falkous, Jack Egglestone and former Jarcrew bassist Kelson Mathias return with their second album as Future of the Left. They're still attenuating unadulterated musical fury with sardonic lyrical smartassery. And occasionally, still peeling the paint off the walls with grating discord. Like The Jesus Lizard, but with an occasional oblique sense of melody, and humor.

Julian Casablancas - Phrazes For The Young

The Strokes frontman proves without a doubt that he's the unsung principal songwriter of that band on his first solo effort. The differences between the two projects are conspicuously minor: trebly guitar solos are substituted by shimmering synths; prosaic aloofness and angst are supplanted by a new-found nostalgia.

The Avett Brothers - I And Love And You

Rick Rubin makes the boys sit still while they play on their major label debut, therefore it's not as loose/fun as previous efforts—works more as a showcase of their strong songwriting talents. Now that they're more polished, can people please stop calling them "grungegrass", please?

Clues - Clues

Indie pop from Montreal with familial (and musical) ties to members of the Arcade Fire crew. Totally worthy of a listen, if only for the fantastic piano-driven track, "Perfect Fit."

The Big Pink - A Brief History of Love

London duo makes a thoroughly enjoyable record by bringing together 20 years of British influences into a lovely pastiche. Like MGMT for the 4AD crowd. And don't sleep on "Dominos", it's the electro-rock anthem of the year.

Built To Spill - There Is No Enemy

A bit more focused and less meandering than 2006's You In Reverse, but still dragging in parts, especially on the longer, jammy songs. It's beginning to feel like Doug Martsch can continue to make albums like these ad infinitum. And perhaps that's not such a bad thing. But it would be nice if more of the songs on this record had the urgency and punch of "Pat".

The Clientele - Bonfires On The Heath

Melancholy pop dressed up in a lush production. Bonfires On The Heath often feels like a Seals and Croft record—even though, thematically, it's more autumn wind than summer breeze. Good music for a nice little Sunday.

Monsters of Folk - Monsters of Folk

Monsters of Folk is a collaboration between Conor Oberst, Jim James, M. Ward, and producer extraordinaire Mike Mogis. All of them are so prolific that it really should come as no surprise that the songs feel a bit like throw-aways from individual projects rather than brand new collaborations. However, even if the song flow is a bit uncohesive, everyone involved is really talented and ultimately the highlights make it an enjoyable listening experience.

Dead Man's Bones - Dead Man's Bones

Uh, didn't someone tell Ryan Gosling that albums made by actors are supposed to suck? I kinda hate him right now. He's good looking, a bona fide movie star, girls go crazy for him, AND he made a remarkably spooky-yet-cutesy indie pop record?! Man, fuck that dude.

The Antlers - Hospice

A growing number of bands hide the holes in their songwriting with valleys of reverb and waves of noise, but with The Antlers it's clear that the songs would work even with the sparest of productions. There's an obvious sentimental connection between the lyrics and the singer, and that emotion comes through as pure sincerity. That's really all I can ask for from a band.

Mastodon - Crack The Skye

Atlanta's favorite metal sons have a knack for making each progressive album (in both meanings of the word) feel like an instant classic. Crack The Skye is certainly no different. Epic in scope, technically proficient, and ultimately, true to itself; a metal album this gloriously unpretentious and free of self-serving wank and macho posturing is rare.

Nirvana - Bleach (Deluxe Edition)

The band's seminal SubPop debut gets remastered and repackaged with a full 1990 Portland concert. Producer Jack Endino gives the tracks a respectful lift in fidelity without reducing their original murkiness. The live set is a reminder of how the band could fill a room, even as just a trio. And in case you were wondering, yes, the record still holds up.

Raekwon - Only Built For Cuban Linx Pt.2

Along with Ghostface Killah (who pretty much steals every track he guests on), Raekwon is keeping the Wu-Tang Clan's iron flag flying high with this long-awaited sequel to the 1995 classic. Gritty, cinematic, and very often brilliant—just like anything you remember from Wu-Tang's mid-90's heyday.

Slayer - World Painted Blood

It's fucking Slayer. What else do you need to know? They still out-metal just about everyone. Yes, even Satan.

Indecipherable Death Metal Band Logos

What you see above are not stencils for tribal tattoos. No, these are not meant to occupy the space above anyone's butt crack—they are actually barely legible Death Metal band logos.

It seems that at some point in the genre's history, it became an unspoken rule that the more indecipherable your band's logo is, the more metal you can claim to be. It has gotten so bad that some of these logos resemble nothing more than a scribble or a random geometric shape.

I've included some of my favorites for you on the following slide show.*

*Just for fun, I slipped in a picture of a non-photosynthetic organelle found in most protozoan parasites belonging to the phylum Apicocomplexa. See if you can spot which one of these is actually a microscopic product of secondary endosymbiosis.

For a closer look, I encourage you to look at this slideshow here.

Oh, and if you're wondering what these bands actually sound like, my guess is that they resemble something along these lines. Except, you know, funnier...

SPOILER: "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" - Super Secret Picture Of Robert Pattison In Ending Scene

***Yo, I need hits as much as the next website. Screw you for being curious.***

Some Of My Best Songs Are About Racial Harmony

I think it was 1980's WWF superstar "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan who once said, "It is always with the best intentions that the worst work is done."

Actually, come to think of it, that was probably Oscar Wilde. Regardless of who said it, that bit of knowledge rang true this week when I ran into not one, but two(!) songs that reflect this sentiment unconditionally.

First, it's country music artist Corey Smith's song "I Love Black People". While this is meant to be a song about acceptance and racial harmony, something about it just rubs me the wrong way—as if he was forced to record it not because of his own conviction, but as part of a plea bargain with the state prosecutor. This fan-made video complete with literal lyric interpretation probably doesn't help:



Second, comes Atlanta's own Duece Poppi with his ode to diversity, "My White Friends." He manages to promote cultural assimilation while concurrently reinforcing hackneyed stereotypes. That takes some talent (or complete ironic disregard):



I guess I'll take this as progress, considering we've come a long way from shit like this.

Then again, have we?

Elliott Smith 1998 Promotional Film "Strange Parallel" In Its Entirety

The 1998 Elliott Smith promotional film, Strange Parallel, finally made its way onto YouTube in its entirety. The film, directed by Steve Hanft, is about 30 minutes long and is part documentary, part experimental film. It's got some great footage, even if the picture and sound quality aren't perfect. I'd like to see this released in proper form some time in the near future.

Director Steve Hanft, about the film:

“In 1998 I was hired to make a film for the reclusive rocker Elliott Smith. Very excited, I flew to Portland, Oregon, where he was staying and met with him to figure it out before we filmed. At the meeting he explained, in a very quiet voice, with a slight smile, that he didn’t want it to be a straight-up documentary. So I suggested he write down some of his dreams. The next day, we met again, and he began talking a lot, and louder, telling me all about how he “had a fucked up dream last night.” It was very funny when he explained it, everyone in and around the music business he was in was telling him to get a mechanical hand to replace the hand that he’d trained for so long to play guitar. There was also a military recruiter who came into the bar where he was writing a song that would yell at him for no reason, and Satan was there, that kills me. A lot of people who know him from his music don’t understand that he was really funny. So we wrote the dream into the shot list and intercut it into the more traditional music footage. It was hard to get the documentary footage out of him, he hated being interviewed. He was much more into the dream sequence and we had a lot fun shooting it. It was an amazing experience and just knowing a guy like that, so talented and brutally honest, has changed my life. Bless him.”

Watch it here:



UPDATE - Video has been taken down by UMG, I will repost when it becomes available again.