Parallel Universe

I went to the Five Guys Burgers & Fries at the Edgewood Retail District today and as I was eating a gigantic batch of Cajun Fries, I noticed a troubling phenomenon outside the window. In the short time I was there, I observed about 8-10 cars trying to parallel park on the street in front of the restaurant and not a single driver appeared to have mastered this basic parking maneuver. The average number of moves per driver was between 6 and 7, with one car doing what seemed like 20 moves over the span of 2 minutes trying to fit in a spot nearly twice the size of the car.

This is inexcusable and borderline pathetic. If you can't parallel park your car in less than 3 moves, you shouldn't be allowed to drive.

And since I know that some of you probably fit into this group, I'd like to offer some help. I found a British instructional video to help you through the easy steps. Don't mind the fact that they spell curb, "kerb", and maneuver, "manoeuvre", or that there's overtly dramatic music playing in the background --the fundamentals presented in the video are solid and foolproof.

See, it's pretty easy if you familiarize yourself with the dimensions of your car and show some confidence. Go practice!

Just don't let me catch you doing this:

People I Don't Feel Sorry For: Matador Edition

Matador Israel Lancho got the proverbial horn on Wednesday as the bull he was "fighting" decided to even things up a bit. Lancho suffered an eight-inch wide perforation in his lower abdomen and, presumably, a hell of an alteration bill for his fancy costume. 

Check out the video:

 

Gruesome? Yes. But check out all the shit sticking out of the bull; it makes a measly horn to the gut seem like just a flesh wound. 

Unfortunately the matador will probably live to fight another day and I'm guessing the bull wasn't spared for his agility, grace and coordination (qualities traditionally attributed to matadors.) 

Regardless, I always enjoy when this type of thing happens. Is that wrong?

In Defense Of The Robe

With the recent advent of the Snuggie, the Slanket, the Freedom Blanket, the Blankoat, and the Wearable Towel, it seems like a whole lot of people are trying to improve or reinvent the robe these days.

But is this change warranted, I ask?

It most certainly is not. Innovation is impossible on a flawless design such as the robe. Ask Hugh Hefner, Saint Francis of Assisi, or Gandalf The Grey, they'll tell you.

I thought I'd also take a moment to say that regardless what abomination some retired Midwesterner thinks up in the coming years, I'm sticking with my robe for warmth, comfort and drying purposes. It hasn't failed me yet, and that kind of reliability is hard to find anywhere these days.

Oh sure, a Snuggie or a Slanket may cover your feet better than a robe, but it makes you look like an asshole—and there's no coming back from that, believe me—once an asshole, always an asshole.

I mean, just wear some goddam socks and, voilà, problem solved.

And that Wearable Towel? It's basically just a toga; good luck trying to keep your shoulders warm and dry on a cool winter night with that stupid thing on. It's useless, forget about it.

So, in conclusion, suck it, Snuggie; eat shit, Slanket; and go fuck yourself, Wearable Towel.

LONG LIVE THE ROBE!!!

Cool Web App Of The Week

Since I can't afford this Yamaha Tenori-on:

I'll have to make do with this web app for now. 

Alaska Hearts Beards Too, Kari Ferrell

As a bearded man, I feel compelled to salute David Traver, the winner of the 2009 World Beard And Moustache Championship. His 20.5 inches "snowshoe" patterned beard was a crowd-pleaser in his home town of Anchorage, Alaska, also the site of this year's competition. It took him two and a half years to grow it that long and says that after taking top prize he will shave it off and retire with dignity from the competition. Well done, Mr. Traver, well done. 

I'm considering participating in the 2011 Championship in Trondheim, Norway. I better start training. 

What, No Unicorn?!

Well, Brooke Hogan has an early entry in the Worst Album Cover of the Year contest. Actually, I'm ready to call it. She wins. 

Aped Album Cover Designs

We all know musicians steal music from each other constantly, but do they have the common decency to stop there? Nah, man, they steal album covers as well. Whether it's to pay tribute to the original, or just for good ole plagiarism's sake, it happens all the time.

Bazookaluca has taken the time to gather up some of his favorites. Enjoy:

Got any in mind that I missed ("Weird" Al Yankovic albums don't count)? Let me know about it in the comments.