A Few Other Things

-Happy Halloween everybody! I hope you have fun tonight and that you don't get stalked by homicidal masked killers. I hate it when that happens. Unfortunately I won't be doing a damn thing tonight because Adrienne has to work until late. No giant baby costume this year. Maybe I'll be stalking babysitters and teenagers to make them pay for being dirty, sinful fornicators and underage drinkers. It could be a new career path for me.

-Speaking of careers, my Guitar Center one is over. Yes, it was over before it even began actually. You see, after training for one week on things like "Five Personality Characteristics of Good Salespersons", "Five Ingredients of Customer Service" and "Five Core Values of G.C." amongst many other tidbits of useless corporate propaganda, I took on the "floor" with my fellow salesmen. In my first day on said "floor" I sold a vintage Gibson SG for the hefty price of $2,000. Since my salary is largely based on commission, I was very happy to start off selling such an expensive item. However, since I was new I still needed help with operating their archaic computer system at the checkout counter. So, one of the more experienced salesmen (who admitted to me that he used to be a used car salesman and who had spent the entire morning talking shit to me about the other employees) happily helped me and managed to keep 100% of the commission for himself in the process, all the while informing me to my face that this was a common, albeit non-official, practice for the first couple of weeks. You can imagine how I reacted to this. I informed this gentleman that I was not in the habit of letting people screw me over right to my face and I also let him know what I thought of his little unofficial policy. I then took it up with management and upon seeing their apathetic response I decided that these were not the kind of people I wanted around me on a regular basis (plus many other crappy things that I won't get into right now happened while I was there). So I quit. No regrets. Fuck 'em. I told them to send me my check in the mail and that I would not be back in the building. I really have grown to have no patience for despicable behavior and I really don't feel like I have to be part of it. So that''s that. By the way, the five personality characteristics of good salespersons are "Outgoing, Enthusiastic, Tenacious, Sincere and Humble". They should add "Douchebag" to the list.

-I saw "Running With Scissors" on Saturday and I enjoyed it very much. All the actors involved put in great performances and the story, based on Augusten Burroughs' book, is wonderful. Very much like Wes Anderson's work, the movie evokes the same kind of moods of "The Royal Tenenbaums" (and not just because of Gwyneth Paltrow being in both movies). Funny, sad, witty and whimsical = Good movie in Luca's book. Go see it.

-I'll be in Nashville this weekend for the Carroll/Hargis wedding. I can't wait, it should be a lot of fun. Let me take some time now to apologize to the people who will be attending for the vile, embarrassing things I'm most certainly going to do while intoxicated at the reception. I haven't been drunk in months, I hope you understand.

Musings On Marie Antoinette

I saw Marie Antoinette last night and the experience brought up a few questions.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I enjoyed Sophia Coppola's previous work; I liked Lost In Translation very much and even though I've never been able to catch The Virgin Suicides from beginning to end, I liked what I saw. And it goes without saying that I liked the soundtracks to each of those respective movies; having Kevin Shields, Elvis Costello and Air songs playing behind key scenes definitely contributed to me enjoying those movies. And by starting Marie Antoinette with a Gang of Four song, Coppola got me paying attention again. But that's the problem isn't it?

I couldn't help but feel like I was being emotionally massaged by the filmmaker. She was just giving me what I wanted but for all the wrong reasons. The "I like Gang of Four and the Strokes and the Cure so by having their songs in your movie, I have to like your movie" approach. The same mentality goes with the visuals of the movie. They are stunning but not in a way that isn't pandering to anyone who appreciates beauty. I mean, it mostly takes place at Versailles and the ornate costumes are wonderful and certainly worthy of recognition, but those things are inertly beautiful; they don't inspire beauty, they are beauty. Anything shot at Versailles is going to be visually striking, it's friggin' Versailles!

And since Coppola leaves most of the storytelling to visuals, this is a problem. There really isn't much in the way of dialogue. Jason Schwartzman's character has about as much of it as Arnold Schwarzenegger had in the original "Terminator" and it really bothered me to see him playing the Shop Girl character again without any of the charm or endearing aspects. His character just had very little depth. And unfortunately the same can be said about Kirsten Dunst who showed more range in Bring It On than in her last three or four movies combined.

I couldn't help but think that this movie was like watching an episode of MTV's My Super Sweet Sixteen (a dreadful and frightengly unironic half-hour long look into spoiled little fuckers and their over the top and insanely expensive sweet sixteen parties where all their pathetic, superficial and hateful whims are fulfilled by their empty, loveless rich parents; basically MTV's greatest and latest middle finger in the face of cultural responsibility). I mean, by the end of the movie I was ready for the hungry mob to breach Versailles and start cutting heads. Fuckin-a! Let the righteous mob act out their displeasure with the monarchy with the business end of sickles and pitchforks and by publicly beheading the fuckers. Every country needs some social purging every few decades. Fuck the rich.

But the movie isn't about that. It's about isolation. It's about being unfulfilled and attempting to find meaning in superficial pleasures. But it's no morality tale and it's not really rewarding to watch.

I don't know, maybe I'm just nitpicking at it because I expected more. I mean, it got pretty good reviews across the board so what do I know? But I am sick of people telling me I'm supposed to like certain movies solely because of the filmaker involved or because they seem original compared to the majority of mainstream nationwide releases-- but just because it has more artistic value than Employee of the Month doesn't mean it's that much more enjoyable to watch.

Sophia Coppola is a great talent, there's no doubt about that. But I hold her up to the same standard that I hold her father (and any director, or artist for that matter). The Godfather: Part Three sucked in comparison to the first two in my opinion, but so what? You can't win them all. The first two movies make up for the suckiness of the third and that certainly doesn't dissuade me from continuing to seek out Francis Ford Coppola's work. I'll probably go see her next movie regardless.

Now you go see it for yourself and let me know what you think.

A Few Things

Hey there, here's a few things:

-As some of you know, it was my birthday a week ago. I turned 28, which is nowhere near thirty. Beside the annual internal freakout ("I'm old and past my prime! What the hell am I doing with my life?! Is this really where I imagined I'd be at 28?!"), I had a good time. Adrienne arranged a romantic dinner on our balcony and made me a cake. It was yummy. She also got me a melodica, which is a cross between a harmonica and an accordion. Very cool. If you don't know what it sounds like listen to the left channel of your stereo during the chorus of "Clint Eastwood" by the Gorillaz or "Tomorrow Comes Today" on the same album and you'll get the idea.

-I'm starting a new job on Thursday at the Guitar Center. I need money. They offered to pay me money in return for selling guitars. I agreed to do so. We'll see what happens. Does this mean I've given up my search for a "serious" job? No, it just means that I've grown tired of having to watch my spending habits. I'm pretty sick of having to say no to things that I want, even if it's just a magazine or another beer with dinner. Hell, me and Adrienne's idea of a nice dinner out lately is a trip to the Chick-Fil-A across the street. I'm about done with that lifestyle.

-I did however put down $6.50 on a matinee movie ticket to "Jackass 2" recently and it was money well spent. I laughed hard. And I guarantee that you can show me that movie at any point in my life and I will find it funny. And that my friends is called "Timelessness" -- or "continously being immature" if you want to be a dick about it.

-Have you downloaded the new version of iTunes yet? How cool is the new album cover side-scrolling view?! I had to go and download all the covers of my albums right away. It took a while considering I have 33GB of music on there. I'm such a fucking slave to my own obsessive compulsive behavior, I know. I even had to go copy and paste a bunch of covers from Allmusic and Amazon since iTunes couldn't locate them. But clearly it was all worth it.

-We're about to hit the third anniversary of Elliott Smith's death here in ten or so days. I have never been affected by a musician's death as much as I have by his. It was truly like I had lost a friend. The circumstances in which I found out about his death are quite memorable too. I had just returned from Italy where I had attended my sister's wedding and I was staying with my parents in Michigan. I was in a record store in Ann Harbor buying two Pavement singles that I found in their clearance section when I approached the counter. There sat Elliott's XO album on a cardboard stand with the words "Elliott Smith R.I.P." written on top. Shocked by this sight I immediately asked the clerk what had happened and he said "Dude killed himself". I hurried home to my parent's place where I turned on the tv, even though I really didn't expect to hear any details. Like MTV was gonna interrupt their Real World marathon to even mention that he had died. CNN said nothing. My parents still hadn't given in to getting the internet so I didn't find out the gruesome details of his death until I reached home a few days later. I was truly sad. It was even more emotional hearing his songs on From A Basement On A Hill when it came out posthumously. What a shame. I hear Kill Rock Stars will soon release a collection of b-sides that were recorded around the time of his first three albums. I'll be glad to actually have an official release of those songs even though many of them have popped up on various bootlegs and on the internet over the years.

-I'm trying to limit the amount of ellipses I use (you know "..."). I've been known to use a lot in my writing and I got to thinking that perhaps it wasn't a good representation of how I speak. It makes it seem like all my statements are open ended and unfinished. And it comes with the assumption that the sentence isn't finished and that you should fill in the rest yourself which isn't something I necessarily want to subject people to do. You have so many other things to think about already...(Aaahh shit, I knew I couldn't do it!!!)


All right, I gotta go to bed now. Don't be shy and leave a comment once in a while. I miss all of you terribly.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

I am often blessed and illuminated with grand ideas but unfortunately I lack the ability to determine if they are in fact worthy of pursuing. Let me know what you think:

-A book offering unhealthy ways to lose weight; filled with detrimental advice as well as harmful, albeit efficient weight loss procedures and tactics. Example chapters: "The Power-Eating Minute Diet: Enough For The Whole Day--Eat Anything You Want From 4am to 4:01am", "Tapeworm: The Friend Within", "Explosive Expulsion: Incorporating Gastric Purging Into Your Social Routines", "Self-Serving Self-Mutilation: Lose 40lb With Just One Swipe of a Chainsaw" and "Just Don't Eat: Put The Plate Down And Pick Up Your Self Esteem, Fat Ass!". Preface by Nicole Richie!

-A triple album on six sides of marbled vinyl based on the life of Gérard Depardieu limited to 999 import-only copies; from his poverty-stricken childhood to his rise to international fame and fortune as the world's undisputed greatest thespian, the music would shift in genre and mood as the different phases of his distinguished life unfold. I imagine that the six-parted saga about his portrayal of Andre, the loving but neglectful French father of fourteen-year old Nicole in the 1994 classic, "My Father The Hero" would be interpreted by syncopated handclaps and a glorious, squealing trio of tenor saxes. It would all come to a crashing end in a dramatic crescendo titled, "Unnecessary Nude Scene in "The Man in the Iron Mask", where our fearless hero drops trou and exposes his illustrious behind for all our starving eyes to consume. I imagine a 40 piece jug band would accompany this piece, fading out in an ethereal orgy of cacophony. Liner notes by Nicole Richie!

-A documentary which recounts the life and work of Nineteenth century Russian utopian socialist writer Nikolai Gavrilovich Chernyshevsky through interviews with celebrities who have never heard of him. Hear Jessica Simpson's thoughts on class struggle as she relates her own stories of how "like one time, I had to pump my own gas and I didn't know how!" Watch Vin Diesel's face contort with confusion as he struggles with the contradictions of dialectical materialism paired with socialist idealism, much like it did when he was forced to deliver dialogue in "The Chronicles of Riddick". Observe Jean-Claude Van Damme trying to figure out what's going on as he's asked about his own ascetic lifestyle in relation to Nikolai's. And the coupe de grace, a fiery diatribe by Whitney Houston as she demands to speak with her agent. DVD commentary track by Nicole Richie!

I know they need a little work, but I think these are all unflappable ways to make millions of dollars. So don't come a-knocking at my mansion door looking for handouts when the time comes, I'll be too busy counting money.