I drove through limbo on my way to my new home in Monterey, California.
And by limbo, I don't mean a construction zone held up by bureaucratic red tape, I mean THE EDGE OF HELL. You know... infinite inky blackness. A dark desolate void.
The stretch of road in question is California State Route 198 (SR 198), between the towns of Coalinga and San Lucas. It's a curvy and sloping drive just North of the Cholame Hills, not far from SR 41/46 where James Dean famously crashed his Porsche 550 Spyder and lost his life on a Fall day in 1955.
I found myself on SR 198 at approximately 9PM on a moonless night. At first, I thought nothing of the darkness and the isolation. But after a quarter hour of not seeing a single car and the darkness seemingly swallowing me deeper and deeper with every passing second, I started to freak out a bit. That's when I got my phone out and for the next hour or so, I documented my journey into the heart of darkness.
The following is that document, offered to you unedited and undoctored. Abandon all hope, ye who push play here:
If you enjoy the music portion of this blog or podcast, then perhaps you should follow BAZOOKALUCA on Spotify.
You can get a sneak peek at my favorite songs of 2011, revisit past years' best of lists as well as enjoy numerous themed playlists and mixes that might enhance your otherwise dull life.
Check back often because I'm updating all the time.
Also, thanks.
Also also, I'm sorry if you live in a country that doesn't offer Spotify yet.
Predictably, the Martin Scorsese-helmed George Harrison doc for HBO is great. I stayed up until 4:30am watching it the other night. Harrison did, after all, write my favorite Beatles song.
I'd feel worse about my receding hairline if I didn't know that 20 years from now I'll be able to say that I'm rocking a "MacKaye". I can live with that.
A plot twist is great fun. It's one the few times in life we actually enjoy being wrong. A twist forces reevaluation of the narrative—it is the apogee of plot development, the spice of storytelling. However, there is one glaring drawback—twists rely entirely on not being revealed prematurely, or "spoiled."
At this point, I don't even know why I'm explaining the "spoiler" concept to you. You're reading this on the internet, so you're likely to have been exposed to several SPOILER ALERTS just on the way to this site. Spoilers probably pertaining to something that's patiently awaiting to be watched on your DVR. Even though, who are you kidding? You'll never get around to watching The Killing, especially when you still haven't watched a second of Rubicon. DVR space comes at a premium, so just move on, for chrissakes—if you cared at all, you would have watched it by now.
But let's please get off you for just a goddamn second.
My point is, the SPOILER ALERT phrase has become so prevalent that it seems damn-near inescapable while referencing film, television, or literature. It's even used comedically (albeit, cheaply) in all facets of everyday conversation. Like when your dad's all, "Your mom and I had a great time in Colonial Williamsburg last weekend. Sorry you didn't get to go, but, SPOILER ALERT: you'll probably have to share a bunk-bed with a shrieking baby brother or sister nine months from now, you little prick."
WOW, your dad's an ASSHOLE! Did he have to say it like that? What a terrible way to convey what is otherwise good news. And how is he so sure to have impregnated your mom? At her age? Please. Frankly, I don't see how she stomachs the prick. But she's probably a prick too, come to think of it. And that little brother or sister on the way? Likely a prick by birthright. Which, in turn, makes you a prick as well. Tough break. At least now we both know what I mean by these pricks using SPOILER ALERT in the wrong context.
But can we please stop talking about you for just one goddamn minute?
What I'm trying to say is that it's time to rein that shit in—very few situations actually require loose disclaimers. And more specifically, very few stories are completely reliant on twists for effect. So, in turn, the phrase should be used sparingly.
The thing is, some people are so spoiler-sensitive that divulging even the most minuscule of plot points sends these pricks into epileptic shock, further diluting the phrase, and suddenly increasing the number of situations for which it requires use in the first place.
And look, it's about time for these people on the receiving end of spoilers to calm the fuck down. Yes, it's disappointing to be told a key plot element before getting there by yourself, but Christ, it's not about the payoff all the time—it's about the journey. On top of that, recent studies have revealed that for most people, knowing the end of a story prematurely doesn't hinder the overall enjoyment of the experience. As a matter of fact, the contrary is true, it actually enhances the enjoyment. How's that for some shit?
So, please, by all means, refrain from divulging the Shyamalanian twist at the end of last weekend's sleeper box-office hit, but give it just that, a few days. After that, it's fair game to say whatever the fuck you please about anything to anyone. And if you're one of these pricks who inadvertently hears about said ending after those initial days, don't act like your whole prick-life is ruined; they're most likely doing you a favor.
There are of course, exceptions. Say you meet some young person who's never even heard of The Crying Game. In this situation, you should probably keep the ending to yourself and encourage that person to watch it with you. This is because, at least once in life, you deserve to watch someone else experience an unexpected prick-twist.
Ironically, an unexpected prick-twist also might have kept your little brother or sister from being born into your prick family, but for the last time, can we stop talking about you for just a small goddamn fraction of time?
Actually, just watch the video below and free yourself from the chains of spoilertude, you'll be better off for it:
These alternate universe movie posters by artist John Hartter are really good. I'd especially like to see Mario Bava's The Batman of Gotham City starring Christopher Walken and David Bowie with a Morricone soundtrack. Click on the pics to get a closer look.
On the tenth episode, Luca explains to Riley why he's disinterested in the NFL and then performs a "Stunt Critique" of the Jay-Z/Kanye West collaboration album, Watch The Throne.
Please rate and review on iTunes. Thanks for listening!
The most telling moment from last night's GOP debate in Ames, Iowa:
“I’m going to ask a question to everyone here on the stage. Say you had a deal, a real spending cuts deal, 10-to-1, as Byron said, spending cuts to tax increases…. Who on this stage would walk away from that deal? Can you raise your hand if you feel so strongly about not raising taxes, you’d walk away on the 10-to-1 deal?”
As Daily Kos points out, "A 10-to-1 deal would mean a deal with 91% spending cuts and 9% tax hikes. That's not a compromise, that's a huge victory for supply-side fundamentalism. Only a true right-wing lunatic would reject that kind of a deal."
Yet, every single one of these tools raises a hand.
Hands guided by Grover Norquist and the ridiculous Taxpayer Protection Pledge that he makes every Republican (and a few Democrats) sign promising that under no circumstance they ever support any and all tax increases.
As long as voters continue to elect candidates whose driving force is to "drag [the government] into the bathroom and drown it in the tub" (as Norquist himself quipped,) America might just meet that fate.
On August 6th, on what would have been Elliott Smith's 42nd birthday, an artist took to restoring the iconic Silver Lake mural which appears on the cover of Elliott's 2000 album Figure 8.
The mural has become a popular place for fans to leave memorial tributes and messages to the deceased artist. It's also seen its share of general vandalism and tagging over time, so a restoration was needed. A previous restoration took place in 1998, but it did not include a stencil of Elliott himself.
Here's the wall before:
And here, after:
Elliott Smith - "In The Lost And Found (Honky Bach)"
French singer-songwriter/poet Georges Brassens wrote the song as a response to absolutists who impose that others should die for their ideas—the refrain basically says, "Let's die for some ideas, agreed, but of a slow death", premising that ideas are worth dying for, but only of old age. Brassens calls for "Oh you firebrands, oh you righteous apostles" to "be the first to die, we'll stand aside for you."
Fabrizio De Andrè sang my favorite version, naturally in Italian. He made a few edits in the verses, injecting some of his own poetic phrasing and dry wit, with slightly more forceful language than Brassens.
The "Lady Blunt" Stradivarius Violin recently sold at auction for $15.9M, the highest price paid for a Stradivari violin ever, nearly quadrupling the previous record.
Why so much, you ask?
The auction house put together this short informative video:
Being that I'm an instrument fetishist, talking about this sort of thing is the fast track to getting my britches all messy, but I suspect my appreciation of Antonio Stradivari goes even deeper than simple luthier lust.
I'm Italian, and, historically speaking, the pursuit of perfection in life's pleasures is our M.O. (in comparison to, say, the Azerbaijani, or those dreadful bores, the Swiss.) Whether it be food, film, craft, art, love, or music—if it brings pleasure to the senses, it's worth spending lifetimes obsessing over. This doesn't always work out for the best, mind you. Sometimes you get Nutella, or the Ferrari GTO 250, and other times, well, you're stuck with Berlusconi.
But I digress.
Stradivari chased perfection from the start of his apprenticeship under master Nicolò Amati on through the construction of over 1,000 instruments that bore the Stradivarius label—he made it his life's work. Centuries later, no one has matched that work. As someone who usually remains immune to the follies of patriotism, this type of thing becomes the glaring exception. A contribution as such to humankind makes me truly proud to be Stradivari's compatriot.
Getting back to simple luthier lust for a moment, here's renowned Israeli violinist Ivry Gitlis gushing unabashedly about the perfection of his Strad:
Also, if you get off on stuff like this, you should watch The Red Violin, a nice film inspired (if only for the appearance of the titular object) by the Red Mendelssohn Stradivarius.
On the eighth episode, Luca spins some new releases, takes a few phone calls on a new segment, Agony Uncle, and Adrienne delivers her third "Random Act of Hatred" directed at horses.
Please rate and review on iTunes. Thanks for listening!
Upon seeing the above poster, the words "Gordon Freeman" instantly came to mind. Never thought about it until now, but Bryan Cranston would make for a pretty badass theoretical physicist with a crowbar and a gravity gun. He's already playing a badass chemist, so you know he's got the chops. But who's gonna play Alyx Vance? 2009 BAZOOKALUCA Celebrity Girlfriend Rashida Jones, maybe? Mmmm, yesss.
For reference:
ALSO: If you're not watching Breaking Bad, dude, do yourself a favor and catch up before Season Four starts. One of the top three shows on television right now.
On the seventh episode, Luca talks Bridesmaids with Adrienne, and performs a "Stunt Critique" of the Beastie Boys' new album Hot Sauce Committe Part 2.
Please rate and review on iTunes. Thanks for listening!
Matt Yglesias half-jokingly suggests that the US should produce more olive oil to offset its large share of global consumption. As a heavy-handed olive oil user and native Italian, I couldn't agree more. Olive oil is "liquid gold," as Homer (the Greek, not the Springfieldian) once praised it, and seriously makes up about a third of my diet.
So, as a way to offset my costs for the imported stuff, I implore you, bring on more local olive oils!
My favorite Beatles song is "Long Long Long" off the White Album. It was written by George Harrison. John Lennon doesn't even appear on it.
While the mono version is great, I especially love the S P A C E created by the stereo mix. Such great instrument separation and panoramic positioning. I love how the Beatles often used the studio as a songwriting tool; here, the rattling heard at the end of the song is the result of a wine bottle sitting on a Leslie speaker and getting harmonically excited by notes played by McCartney's Hammond organ.
It's perhaps the most underrated Beatles song, and part of the reason I love it so.
After reading about The Crow remake running into a (hopefully lethal) speed-bump last week, I thought it would be a good time to revisit the soundtrack to the original film.
The Crow came out at a perfect time for me — 1994, the summer after my freshman year of high school. The themes therein of tragic love, tortured existentialism, and righteous-as-fuck vengeance were easily relatable for any awkward 15 year-old like myself.
Plus, the face paint on Brandon Lee's face was totally boss — an instant Halloween classic.
The soundtrack was the cherry on top, for it contained some of my favorite artists at the time. It was a perfect mixture of exclusive tracks, choice b-sides, and obscure covers; the prototypical soundtrack compilation.
Let's listen to it while breaking it down, shall we?
1. The Cure - "Burn" - To this day, the Cure have never performed this song live, and it's a shame because it's one of their best songs from the 90s. Fittingly, the song's intro is a slow burn, which builds up quite nicely to some instrument-generated bird sounds (Ã la "Free Bird,") which gets me thinking, if "onomatopoeia" defines words that mimic sounds, what's the term for when instruments do the mimicking? I only ask this because Adrian Belew does a great rhino with guitar, and I think that kind of shit deserves a cool multisyllabic term.
2. Machines of Loving Grace - "Golgotha Tenement Blues" - Machines of Loving Grace should have been a bigger deal, instead, bands like Filter, Stabbing Westward and Gravity Kills ripped off their sound and ended up selling millions. Meanwhile, MOLG remains virtually unknown, in no small part due to their acronym being "MOLG." Anyway, this song ain't no "Suicide King" or "Richest Junkie Still Alive," but it's definitely the third-best MOLG song, and that's nothing to sneer at, so quit your sneering, or you'll end up looking like Billy Idol.
3. Stone Temple Pilots - "Big Empty" - As I recall, this song was released on the soundtrack before it even appeared on Stone Temple Pilots' second album, Purple. It's definitely "the hit" on The Crow OST, as it instantly earned heavy rotation on radio and MTV. And like half of STP's songs, it fakes you out at some point, making you think the song is over, but then kicks back in. Those tricksters... it's annoying as hell, but goddam it if it doesn't work every time!
4. Nine Inch Nails - "Dead Souls" - The music of Joy Division played heavily into The Crow comic book, the source material for the film, so the least they could do is be on the soundtrack. Well, the folks at Atlantic apparently couldn't pull that off for some reason, so Trent Reznor stepped in to the rescue with his cover of "Dead Souls." And this was at a time, mind you, that Joy Division wasn't exactly a band everyone was hip to liking. Only art school fags and sad ex-goths copped to owning Unknown Pleasures, so kudos to Reznor for throwing a bone to those two groups of sad misfits. And, of course, for doing the track justice. And yes, I just used the word "fag." I'm edgy.
For reference:Joy Division - "Dead Souls"
5. Rage Against The Machine - "Darkness" - This was a rerecorded version of a B-side called "Darkness of Greed" which originally appeared on the "Killing In The Name" single. In it, Zach de la Rocha somehow posits that rich people gave Africans AIDS because they wanted to kill them off and go there for vacation, which in hindsight, is totally true. Also, during the first part of his solo, Tom Morello makes his guitar sound like R2-D2 being blown by Pac-Man, a feat which also deserves its own onomatopoeia-like term.
6. Violent Femmes - "Color Me Once" - Much like the Cure's "Burn," the Violent Femmes' exclusive track for the soundtrack is probably their best work of the 90s (and beyond.) This is an absolutely killer fucking song. It's nonchalantly sexy. It sashays over to you all slow and sauntering and shit, and then sways its stuff all sexy-like ALL UP in your face. And then you come. You come HARD. Or at least, I do — metaphorically speaking, of course — every time I hear it. In fact, I might need a change of metaphorical skivvies right now. And since you're wondering: they're metaphorical boxer-briefs.
7. Rollins Band - "Ghost Rider" - This song about Marvel's flame-headed motorcycle hero was originally done by NY electro proto-punk pioneers Suicide. Keep in mind once again, this is years before Pitchfork devoted itself to judging all music by how it compares to 1977's Suicide, so it wasn't like they were a household name or anything (and sure, they still aren't, but certainly moreso.) Naturally, the Rollins treatment transforms it into a more muscular number, and it fits that mold quite nicely. As righteous as it is ridiculous.
For reference:Suicide - "Ghostrider"
8. Helmet - "Milktoast" (also known as "Milquetoast") - The first two seconds of this song are the best part, which is risky for a band that might want to keep your attention for another four minutes. But Helmet doesn't need that kind of validation. In fact, they could give a shit if you hang around for the rest of the song. That's why they gave you the best part up front; they don't bury the lead, ever. How do I know all this? I don't, but what else am I gonna write about in this space when this song is completely self-explanatory. It's Helmet, it sounds like a Helmet song.
9. Pantera - "The Badge" - The last cover on The Crow OST is that of hardcore band Poison Idea's anti-cop anthem, "The Badge." Pantera covers it faithfully, even replicating the opening and closing Taxi Driver dialogue and the siren sounds throughout. This song is helpful because I hate cops but sometimes I forget just how much, so listening to it is a great service. "Oh yeah," I usually say while it plays, "I hate pigs! How could I forget? Good thing this song is around to remind me. But still, THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY!" And that's how I came up with my PigAlert® idea, a text messaging service that promptly reminds you on the hour, every hour, to fuck tha police coming straight from the underground.
For reference:Poison Idea- "The Badge"
10. For Love Not Lisa - "Slip Slide Melting" - I may be wrong on this, but wasn't For Love Not Lisa a Christian Rock band? How did they get on a movie soundtrack about Pagan symbolism? They must've had a good connection with a higher up... at Atlantic Records. And what's the deal with Christian music? All the best songs about God have already been written, you effing idiots. Give it up already. Oratorios? Cantatas?! All them shits were way better than any dumb Jesus-y love song that you can muster up. What the hell's the point? Oh, avoiding hell IS the point? My bad. But seriously, quit it, you suck.
11. My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult - "After the Flesh" - My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult actually makes a cameo in The Crow, playing themselves and this song in a club scene. The song is a standard Ministry-influenced industrial jaunt, complete with B-movie audio clips. I'm not sure why that's a staple of industrial music, but the exposure's gotta be good for B-movies, right? I mean, I once rented "Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" just because it's heavily sampled in White Zombie's "Thunder Kiss '65." Speaking of which, why aren't they on this soundtrack?
12. The Jesus And Mary Chain - "Snakedriver" - The Jesus and Mary Chain contributed a track off their own comp EP, "The Sound Of Speed," probably because they were too busy starting a drawn-out process to break up. Either that, or William Reid was just too busy boning Hope Sandoval. Speaking of which, why isn't Mazzy Star on this soundtrack? Oh, right, because they got Medicine instead.
13. Medicine - "Time Baby III" - Medicine also appeared in the film, playing themselves playing this song in a club scene. Their willingness to act is probably how they beat out Mazzy Star for this spot on the soundtrack. Either that, or Hope Sandoval was just too busy boning William Reid.
14. Jane Siberry - "It Can't Rain All the Time" - Jane Siberry is Canadian. That's pretty much the extent of my knowledge of her. But this song is very Kate Bush-like as far as the dramatic intensity and her idiosyncratic vocal stylings. The title is taken from a key line in the film, and it probably inspired the song. But again, I don't know for sure. What am I, a goddam researcher? Am I supposed to call Jane up and ask her? I don't get paid for this shit, you should feel so lucky I know as much as I do about this goddam soundtrack that came out 17 motherfucking years ago. You were probably still busy shitting yourself back then. Now, get off my lawn...
I gotta say, this has to be the most attractive cow I've ever seen. I'm kinda turned on right now. I've been a casual vegetarian for years, and it finally makes sense — how can you slaughter something this hot?!
Here's more Emo Animals, if you're so inclined (and who isn't?)
This error message just started popping up on YouTube. I'm not sure what it means, but I can only guess that a malformed video ID in the URL probably looks a lot like a CAPTCHA:
