Soul Brother Number 1

James Brown died today not 5 miles away from where I live. Even though his contribution to music in the last 20-30 years has been kind of dubious, his work in the early 60s through the mid 70s was undoubtedly influential both musically and socially. I had no idea he was sick in any way; he was only 73 years old. I'm sorry I never got to see him perform live.

Year's Best List

All right, I guess the time has come to do a best of the year list. Why, you ask? Because as a superficial, pretentious jerk I believe that people are basically defined by the things they like. And I want to share some of the things I liked so that you will in turn like me more; you know, 'cause you're a superficial, pretentious jerk too. Which, c'mon, we all know you pretty much are....

Top Records (in no particular order)
-TV On The Radio, Return To Cookie Mountain
-Thom Yorke, The Eraser
-Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Show Your Bones
-Gnarls Barkley, St. Elsewhere
-Eef Barzelay, Bitter Honey
-Forget Cassettes, Salt
-Sean Lennon, Friendly Fire
-Cursive, Happy Hollow
-Pearl Jam, Pearl Jam
-David Bazan, Fewer Moving Parts
-Belle & Sebastian, The Life Pursuit
-Calexico, Garden Ruin
-Loose Fur, Born Again In The USA
-Arctic Monkeys, Whatever People Say I Am
-Mogwai, Mr. Beast
-Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan, Ballad Of The Broken Seas
-Cat Power, The Greatest
-Johnny Cash, American V: One Hundred Highways
-Jeremy Enigk, World Waits

And yeah, I feel the need to omit Tom Waits, Orphans because I technically haven't gotten it yet; but c'mon, I already know it belongs on the list. I don't have to listen to it to know I'm gonna love it.

Guilty Pleasure Pop Singles Of The Year
-Beyoncé, "Check On It"
-Justin Timberlake, "My Love"
-Chamillionaire, "Ridin Dirty" and to a certain extent Weird Al Yankovic, "White & Nerdy" is way better
-Prince, "Black Sweat"
-Jay-Z, "Show Me What You Got" (wait, I don't feel guilty about this one at all)
-Fergie, "London Bridge"
-Christina Aguilera, "Ain't No Other Man"

I won't publicly admit to loving these songs ever again (however, I may start dancing and singing along uncontrollably) so I ask that you forget what you just read and go back to believing that I only listen to things that I pretend to like only to impress other elitists.

Top Movies (I really didn't see that many this year, but here goes it)
-Little Miss Sunshine
-Running With Scissors
-Borat
-Jackass 2
-Thank You For Smoking
-Talladega Nights
-Superman Returns
-Strangers With Candy

Seriously, those are like 90% of the movies I saw in the theater this year. I must really know what I'm going to like or otherwise I'm really lucky (not to mention that I don't get out to the movies much). I may have to also mention "Me And You And Everyone We Know", not because I particularly liked it but because Adrienne and I constantly quote it. Especially the scatological perceptions of sex from the seven year old boy in it; we can relate.

Top Shows On Television
-Dexter: Season 1 (Showtime)
-Weeds: Season 2 (Showtime)
-The Sopranos: Season 6, Part 1 (HBO)
-Big Love: Season 1 (HBO)
-Lucky Louie: Season 1&2 (HBO)
-Project Runway (Bravo)
-Top Chef (Bravo)
-Survivor: Cook Islands (CBS)
-Six Feet Under (reruns on Bravo)
-Intervention (A&E)
-No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain (Travel Channel)
-Flavor Of Love 2 (VH1)
-Best Week Ever (VH1)
-The Soup (E!)
-Pardon The Interruption (ESPN)
-Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

Yeah, I watch a lot of TV. It's become pretty apparent at this point. But with shows like this on I can definitely justify my $80 monthly digital cable bill (with DVR, bitches!). And who says that TV can't be an educational, transcendent experience? I've learned a lot from Flavor Of Love. Like to never get between twenty skanks and their (mildly retarded) man; the puncture wounds from fake nails and six inch heels are not worth it.

So there it is, my year's picks. Disagree? Screw you, write your own damn blog!

Musings On Metal Mania

As I write this I'm watching a show on VH1 Classic called Metal Mania which is mostly comprised of music videos from 80's metal bands (Iron Maiden, Skid Row, Whitesnake, Ratt, etc.). Right now a video for Testament's song "Over The Wall" is on. It is very low budget --as most of these videos are-- and it alternates between close-up shots of the band playing to a black background and sepia colored footage of them hanging around an abandoned prison, their knuckles tightly clenching the bars. The music is best described as a mediocre attempt to sound like Kill 'Em All-era Metallica or early Slayer. I guess the overall message that they're trying to convey with this video clip is their feeling of confinement; because you know, they're in a prison and stuff.

That's another trend that I'm noticing with all these videos besides the low budgets and very unspecial effects; none of the imagery is subtle in relation to the lyrics. In fact, it's pretty much spot-on literal with no room for interpretation. If the character described in the song has a troubled home life then you will surely see a shot of his dad throwing him out of the house for listening to loud heavy metal music only to be sent down a downward spiral that will ultimately lead to him serving "18 and Life".

And the bluntness is not just in the interpretation of the lyrics, but the bands themselves. The bassist from Warrant wears a shirt in their video for "Big Talk" that says LICK ME and I'm pretty sure that his plan for wearing such an indiscriminate advertisement of his promiscuous nature is completely self serving. He plans on getting licked in all the right places, make no mistake about it. Short, sweet and to the point. No confusion whatsoever about his intensions, the girls in the crowd will surely know what to do after the show is over and they find themselves backstage (even though, what self respecting groupie would go after the bass player?).

I feel that that describes the existence of all those bands, everything had to be overblown and in your face and extreme, from the hair to the songs to the clothes and the music, leaving absolutely nothing below the surface. But that's also why some of these bands sold millions of records. Like, millions and millions more than you would ever think that they were capable of selling. We're talking Jay-Z numbers for some of the bigger ones like Bon Jovi and Skid Row. People wanted them for the shallow pricks they were and they gave it their all, no matter how ridiculous as that got. However, something tells me that most of them haven't felt any shame whatsoever for what they looked like, acted like or represented, it just doesn't fit their profile. They saw a million faces and they rocked them all because it was their destiny. What's a little spandex to get in the way of that?

Right now, a video for Overkill's "Hello From The Gutter" came on. The name of the band completely encapsulates their image. Leather pants, ripped shirts, poofy hair, spiky guitars, wall of amps behind them; complete and utter visual and aural overkill. I'm sure they sold millions of records as I'm sure that all that money they made is long gone and spent by now; it went up their noses or into fast cars and/or fast women. I hope they got some stories out of it and not just a wardrobe filled with neon green spandex and fringed white leather, that would be the real shame.

Home Invasion

Ever since we turned the air conditioning off for the season (and that was only like, a month and a half ago thanks to the looong Georgia summer) the lack of ventilation throughout the apartment brought an interesting smell to our attention. It's kinda like the smell you would expect at the end of the night in some sort of cheap Asian fusion restaurant. You know, the type of place that serves Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Pakistani and a bit of Indian thrown in for good measure; a place that is about as authentic as the Olive Garden only it desecrates about ten cultures at a time instead of just one.

And this is a smell that my olfactory organs found very familiar.

You see, the first place I lived in by myself in Nashville had very thin walls and interconnected plumbing as well as ventilation systems that knew no boundaries so I would often catch whiffs of what my neighbors were cooking up. And it was never good smells, like I had often experienced in Italy (where if you're walking the streets around lunch or dinner time your appetite grows exponentially as you pass every open kitchen window). No, they were always wafts of awfulness akin to rotted produce or spoiled milk. An especially awful smell seemed to only appear every few weeks from the apartment next door where a Pakistani man dwelled. I only imagined what kind of concoction could possibly smell this bad. Boiled cabbage and sweat-drenched socks, perhaps? Anyway, it was bad.

And now it's back with a vengeance thanks to our what-we-assume-to-be Korean neighbors. Except it's there every day, every moment of the damn day. What's weird is that we share a side of our apartment with these people and we have never heard a single sound from them. No noise, just smells. They must sit silently, constantly and tirelessly stirring their enormous pots of awful stew. Our coat closet has been hit the hardest and we have to leave it open once in a while to prevent full jacket contamination. Otherwise we run the risk of bringing the smell with us everywhere we go. And that is not acceptable.

I guess we'll just have to bear it until it's time to turn the heat on, except that might not be for another couple of months knowing the meteorological perplexities of the deep South.

Crap bag.

Warning: Inane Content Inside

More nonsense for your reading pleasure:

--Christian Bale is the little kid in "Empire of the Sun"?! Am I completely dumb for just figuring this out or what? It was on TV tonight, good movie, I hadn't seen it in years. Probably never even in English. First time I saw it was dubbed in Italian, probably in 1988. Ah, dubbed movies, the ultimate in crappiness.

--In Adrienne&Luca news, Adrienne got a job at a supertrendycool bakery/cafe today to supplement her daily grind at Starbucks and I had an interview for a job at Barnes & Noble. I think I got the job but they haven't called me with the news just yet. Let's hope that happens tomorrow.

--Saw "Borat" on Monday and it was hi-larious. I suggest you get your ass to the theater A.S.A.P.; if you've ever wanted to see two hairy men fighting and wrestling naked for what is seemingly an eternity (and you know you do), you're in luck. It's probably the most disgusting display of unsightly body hair I've ever seen. And there's teabagging involved. That's right. Ballsack in the face. Need I say more? GO SEE IT!!!

--I'm recording music again for the first time in months and I'm enjoying the process. I really need to take advantage of all the instruments and recording equipment I've collected over the years and create something worthwhile. I'm pretty proud of this new stuff. Lots of different instrumentation and textures. And I'm getting better at recording and mixing. I wish I could sing, it would make everything so much easier. I can come up with interesting melodies, I just can't execute them. Know anybody that can sing? And I mean that in a strictly non-American Idol or Rock Star Supernova way.

--The election results were somewhat pleasing. On the one hand, the Republican rule is over and that is undoubtedly a good thing. Their blatant disregard for basic human decency and constant glorification of ignorance has been obscene. We are all dumber for having been conscious through the last six years. On the other hand, I really have no faith that anything will actually change with the Democrats in control. Not these Democrats. They're just not hardcore liberal enough for me and plus Bush will finally get a chance to use his veto power so it looks like he'll have to take less vacations from now on. What a jerkoff. I'm really sick of seeing his face and his shit-eating grin.

Lately just thinking about politics makes my stomach twist into a knot. I wish something would happen on a massive worldwide scale that would shake the foundations of the establishment and turn everything that's grown stale into something fresh. Positive or negative, I don't care. If millions of people have to die in the process, I'm willing to accept it. Am I reverting to my juvenile, anarchist, listening to RageAgainstTheMachine views? Maybe. I want progress and major social overhauling and I want it NOW.

But you do it; I'm busy writing blogs on MySpace and watching Family Guy.

At least maybe the focus of the nation will move away from such meaningless and trivial things like gay marriage and flag burning and I hope more pressing matters will be addressed. We definitely have to have a shift of priorities as a peoples. But what does it matter what I think, I can't even vote.

All right, time for bed. Good night and good luck.

A Few Other Things

-Happy Halloween everybody! I hope you have fun tonight and that you don't get stalked by homicidal masked killers. I hate it when that happens. Unfortunately I won't be doing a damn thing tonight because Adrienne has to work until late. No giant baby costume this year. Maybe I'll be stalking babysitters and teenagers to make them pay for being dirty, sinful fornicators and underage drinkers. It could be a new career path for me.

-Speaking of careers, my Guitar Center one is over. Yes, it was over before it even began actually. You see, after training for one week on things like "Five Personality Characteristics of Good Salespersons", "Five Ingredients of Customer Service" and "Five Core Values of G.C." amongst many other tidbits of useless corporate propaganda, I took on the "floor" with my fellow salesmen. In my first day on said "floor" I sold a vintage Gibson SG for the hefty price of $2,000. Since my salary is largely based on commission, I was very happy to start off selling such an expensive item. However, since I was new I still needed help with operating their archaic computer system at the checkout counter. So, one of the more experienced salesmen (who admitted to me that he used to be a used car salesman and who had spent the entire morning talking shit to me about the other employees) happily helped me and managed to keep 100% of the commission for himself in the process, all the while informing me to my face that this was a common, albeit non-official, practice for the first couple of weeks. You can imagine how I reacted to this. I informed this gentleman that I was not in the habit of letting people screw me over right to my face and I also let him know what I thought of his little unofficial policy. I then took it up with management and upon seeing their apathetic response I decided that these were not the kind of people I wanted around me on a regular basis (plus many other crappy things that I won't get into right now happened while I was there). So I quit. No regrets. Fuck 'em. I told them to send me my check in the mail and that I would not be back in the building. I really have grown to have no patience for despicable behavior and I really don't feel like I have to be part of it. So that''s that. By the way, the five personality characteristics of good salespersons are "Outgoing, Enthusiastic, Tenacious, Sincere and Humble". They should add "Douchebag" to the list.

-I saw "Running With Scissors" on Saturday and I enjoyed it very much. All the actors involved put in great performances and the story, based on Augusten Burroughs' book, is wonderful. Very much like Wes Anderson's work, the movie evokes the same kind of moods of "The Royal Tenenbaums" (and not just because of Gwyneth Paltrow being in both movies). Funny, sad, witty and whimsical = Good movie in Luca's book. Go see it.

-I'll be in Nashville this weekend for the Carroll/Hargis wedding. I can't wait, it should be a lot of fun. Let me take some time now to apologize to the people who will be attending for the vile, embarrassing things I'm most certainly going to do while intoxicated at the reception. I haven't been drunk in months, I hope you understand.

Musings On Marie Antoinette

I saw Marie Antoinette last night and the experience brought up a few questions.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I enjoyed Sophia Coppola's previous work; I liked Lost In Translation very much and even though I've never been able to catch The Virgin Suicides from beginning to end, I liked what I saw. And it goes without saying that I liked the soundtracks to each of those respective movies; having Kevin Shields, Elvis Costello and Air songs playing behind key scenes definitely contributed to me enjoying those movies. And by starting Marie Antoinette with a Gang of Four song, Coppola got me paying attention again. But that's the problem isn't it?

I couldn't help but feel like I was being emotionally massaged by the filmmaker. She was just giving me what I wanted but for all the wrong reasons. The "I like Gang of Four and the Strokes and the Cure so by having their songs in your movie, I have to like your movie" approach. The same mentality goes with the visuals of the movie. They are stunning but not in a way that isn't pandering to anyone who appreciates beauty. I mean, it mostly takes place at Versailles and the ornate costumes are wonderful and certainly worthy of recognition, but those things are inertly beautiful; they don't inspire beauty, they are beauty. Anything shot at Versailles is going to be visually striking, it's friggin' Versailles!

And since Coppola leaves most of the storytelling to visuals, this is a problem. There really isn't much in the way of dialogue. Jason Schwartzman's character has about as much of it as Arnold Schwarzenegger had in the original "Terminator" and it really bothered me to see him playing the Shop Girl character again without any of the charm or endearing aspects. His character just had very little depth. And unfortunately the same can be said about Kirsten Dunst who showed more range in Bring It On than in her last three or four movies combined.

I couldn't help but think that this movie was like watching an episode of MTV's My Super Sweet Sixteen (a dreadful and frightengly unironic half-hour long look into spoiled little fuckers and their over the top and insanely expensive sweet sixteen parties where all their pathetic, superficial and hateful whims are fulfilled by their empty, loveless rich parents; basically MTV's greatest and latest middle finger in the face of cultural responsibility). I mean, by the end of the movie I was ready for the hungry mob to breach Versailles and start cutting heads. Fuckin-a! Let the righteous mob act out their displeasure with the monarchy with the business end of sickles and pitchforks and by publicly beheading the fuckers. Every country needs some social purging every few decades. Fuck the rich.

But the movie isn't about that. It's about isolation. It's about being unfulfilled and attempting to find meaning in superficial pleasures. But it's no morality tale and it's not really rewarding to watch.

I don't know, maybe I'm just nitpicking at it because I expected more. I mean, it got pretty good reviews across the board so what do I know? But I am sick of people telling me I'm supposed to like certain movies solely because of the filmaker involved or because they seem original compared to the majority of mainstream nationwide releases-- but just because it has more artistic value than Employee of the Month doesn't mean it's that much more enjoyable to watch.

Sophia Coppola is a great talent, there's no doubt about that. But I hold her up to the same standard that I hold her father (and any director, or artist for that matter). The Godfather: Part Three sucked in comparison to the first two in my opinion, but so what? You can't win them all. The first two movies make up for the suckiness of the third and that certainly doesn't dissuade me from continuing to seek out Francis Ford Coppola's work. I'll probably go see her next movie regardless.

Now you go see it for yourself and let me know what you think.

A Few Things

Hey there, here's a few things:

-As some of you know, it was my birthday a week ago. I turned 28, which is nowhere near thirty. Beside the annual internal freakout ("I'm old and past my prime! What the hell am I doing with my life?! Is this really where I imagined I'd be at 28?!"), I had a good time. Adrienne arranged a romantic dinner on our balcony and made me a cake. It was yummy. She also got me a melodica, which is a cross between a harmonica and an accordion. Very cool. If you don't know what it sounds like listen to the left channel of your stereo during the chorus of "Clint Eastwood" by the Gorillaz or "Tomorrow Comes Today" on the same album and you'll get the idea.

-I'm starting a new job on Thursday at the Guitar Center. I need money. They offered to pay me money in return for selling guitars. I agreed to do so. We'll see what happens. Does this mean I've given up my search for a "serious" job? No, it just means that I've grown tired of having to watch my spending habits. I'm pretty sick of having to say no to things that I want, even if it's just a magazine or another beer with dinner. Hell, me and Adrienne's idea of a nice dinner out lately is a trip to the Chick-Fil-A across the street. I'm about done with that lifestyle.

-I did however put down $6.50 on a matinee movie ticket to "Jackass 2" recently and it was money well spent. I laughed hard. And I guarantee that you can show me that movie at any point in my life and I will find it funny. And that my friends is called "Timelessness" -- or "continously being immature" if you want to be a dick about it.

-Have you downloaded the new version of iTunes yet? How cool is the new album cover side-scrolling view?! I had to go and download all the covers of my albums right away. It took a while considering I have 33GB of music on there. I'm such a fucking slave to my own obsessive compulsive behavior, I know. I even had to go copy and paste a bunch of covers from Allmusic and Amazon since iTunes couldn't locate them. But clearly it was all worth it.

-We're about to hit the third anniversary of Elliott Smith's death here in ten or so days. I have never been affected by a musician's death as much as I have by his. It was truly like I had lost a friend. The circumstances in which I found out about his death are quite memorable too. I had just returned from Italy where I had attended my sister's wedding and I was staying with my parents in Michigan. I was in a record store in Ann Harbor buying two Pavement singles that I found in their clearance section when I approached the counter. There sat Elliott's XO album on a cardboard stand with the words "Elliott Smith R.I.P." written on top. Shocked by this sight I immediately asked the clerk what had happened and he said "Dude killed himself". I hurried home to my parent's place where I turned on the tv, even though I really didn't expect to hear any details. Like MTV was gonna interrupt their Real World marathon to even mention that he had died. CNN said nothing. My parents still hadn't given in to getting the internet so I didn't find out the gruesome details of his death until I reached home a few days later. I was truly sad. It was even more emotional hearing his songs on From A Basement On A Hill when it came out posthumously. What a shame. I hear Kill Rock Stars will soon release a collection of b-sides that were recorded around the time of his first three albums. I'll be glad to actually have an official release of those songs even though many of them have popped up on various bootlegs and on the internet over the years.

-I'm trying to limit the amount of ellipses I use (you know "..."). I've been known to use a lot in my writing and I got to thinking that perhaps it wasn't a good representation of how I speak. It makes it seem like all my statements are open ended and unfinished. And it comes with the assumption that the sentence isn't finished and that you should fill in the rest yourself which isn't something I necessarily want to subject people to do. You have so many other things to think about already...(Aaahh shit, I knew I couldn't do it!!!)


All right, I gotta go to bed now. Don't be shy and leave a comment once in a while. I miss all of you terribly.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

I am often blessed and illuminated with grand ideas but unfortunately I lack the ability to determine if they are in fact worthy of pursuing. Let me know what you think:

-A book offering unhealthy ways to lose weight; filled with detrimental advice as well as harmful, albeit efficient weight loss procedures and tactics. Example chapters: "The Power-Eating Minute Diet: Enough For The Whole Day--Eat Anything You Want From 4am to 4:01am", "Tapeworm: The Friend Within", "Explosive Expulsion: Incorporating Gastric Purging Into Your Social Routines", "Self-Serving Self-Mutilation: Lose 40lb With Just One Swipe of a Chainsaw" and "Just Don't Eat: Put The Plate Down And Pick Up Your Self Esteem, Fat Ass!". Preface by Nicole Richie!

-A triple album on six sides of marbled vinyl based on the life of Gérard Depardieu limited to 999 import-only copies; from his poverty-stricken childhood to his rise to international fame and fortune as the world's undisputed greatest thespian, the music would shift in genre and mood as the different phases of his distinguished life unfold. I imagine that the six-parted saga about his portrayal of Andre, the loving but neglectful French father of fourteen-year old Nicole in the 1994 classic, "My Father The Hero" would be interpreted by syncopated handclaps and a glorious, squealing trio of tenor saxes. It would all come to a crashing end in a dramatic crescendo titled, "Unnecessary Nude Scene in "The Man in the Iron Mask", where our fearless hero drops trou and exposes his illustrious behind for all our starving eyes to consume. I imagine a 40 piece jug band would accompany this piece, fading out in an ethereal orgy of cacophony. Liner notes by Nicole Richie!

-A documentary which recounts the life and work of Nineteenth century Russian utopian socialist writer Nikolai Gavrilovich Chernyshevsky through interviews with celebrities who have never heard of him. Hear Jessica Simpson's thoughts on class struggle as she relates her own stories of how "like one time, I had to pump my own gas and I didn't know how!" Watch Vin Diesel's face contort with confusion as he struggles with the contradictions of dialectical materialism paired with socialist idealism, much like it did when he was forced to deliver dialogue in "The Chronicles of Riddick". Observe Jean-Claude Van Damme trying to figure out what's going on as he's asked about his own ascetic lifestyle in relation to Nikolai's. And the coupe de grace, a fiery diatribe by Whitney Houston as she demands to speak with her agent. DVD commentary track by Nicole Richie!

I know they need a little work, but I think these are all unflappable ways to make millions of dollars. So don't come a-knocking at my mansion door looking for handouts when the time comes, I'll be too busy counting money.

An Open Letter To Ethnic Food Marketers

Now, let me preface my little rant with this...

Those who know me, or have been to a restaurant with me, are familiar with my self-imposed culinary restrictions and lack of sense of adventure towards new foods. Yes, my diet is largely composed of complex carbohydrates and yes, I've eaten more potatoes than your average Irishman. I don't eat meat, fish or anything that would probably break me of my girlish figure. I'm aware of this and I'm fine with it.

You might say that because of this I don't have a foot to stand on the subject of culinary critique. However, you should also be aware by now that I expect the highest quality of ingredients and the best method of preparation of the few things I do eat. I can be quite critical of even the simplest dish if the ingredients aren't done justice. In my mind, a poorly prepared dish, either because of substandard ingredients or inaccurate doneness, doesn't deserve to be eaten. Food should always be enjoyable and a source of great pleasure and never just something to fill your stomach until the next meal. And this my friends, is the basic Italian philosophy towards eating. A philosophy that I embrace fully and hence gives me the right to rant about the following subject.

I'm talking about the continued proliferation and immensely popular mass marketing of "authentic" Italian food products by American restaurant chains.

As an Italian I am forced to take a stand against this cultural injustice and set the record straight. You've heard me cringe at Olive Garden commercials as they repeatedly use old Italian stereotypes to pimp their new "genius" comestible concoctions. You've also probably been on the receiving end of one of my lectures about how there's no such thing as Alfredo sauce in Italy and how it's purely an American invention. I'm sorry, I can't help it. If you were in Germany and someone told you that David Hasselhoff represented the essence of American rock music you'd have to set them straight, wouldn't you? So when I see a Wendy's commercial for their new "Frescata Italiana sandwich" I have to vent about how there's no such word in the Italian language and nobody's ever heard of Genoa salami and what the fuck does Wendy's know about Italian food anyway?!?

It's just the latest of completely fabricated "authentic" Italian dishes. Jack In The Box came out with the "Panido" sandwiches a while back which I guess was supposed to be their take on an Italian panino, which by the way just means sandwich...any kind of sandwich (I guess a peanut butter and jelly panino doesn't really fool anyone into thinking they're ordering something even mildly exotic). It's a slap in the face to anyone who knows better.

Pizza Hut constantly does this too, like they haven't completely destroyed the concept of pizza already. They just came out with their new "Sicilian Lasagna Pizza". First of all, lasagna is mostly a Northern Italian dish so I don't know what the hell it has to do with Sicily which is the Southern-most point of Italy. It's just something you would never see anywhere in Italy. And have you seen the commercial for it?! It's just insulting. And I don't get insulted easily; just ask my friends who habitually call me a wop to my face. I've got thick skin but when I see a large corporation perpetuating tired stereotypes it sickens me. They should know better.

What's even worst is when a restaurant is trying to pass off that they're "authentic" Italian and they mispell or misuse words on the menu. Mafiosa's in Nashville has something like eight mispelled words on their menu. Can't they take the time to make sure that at least they spell shit right? I mean they're gonna fuck up the food, but at least they could spell it right on the menu. They could run it by the Italian professor right up the street at Belmont University, probably for free. That's all it takes.

And I know that the notion that anything can be authentic without being consumed at the spot of origin is dubious but that's precisely why these restaurant chains should change their marketing approach. Just say that you made the shit up and market it as Italian-inspired but completely made in America. And stop using Italian stereotypes as your spokepersons.

The thing that gets me about those stereotypes is that they're using early 20th Century Southern Italian stereotypical behavior so it's not even accurate or comprehensive of the whole nation. You want more accurate and up-to-date stereotypes? There's a bunch. Italians are mostly neurotic, fad-obsessed and love their cell phones. Those aren't as fun but at least they're more encompassing of the inhabitants of my country.

But whatever. I should've expected it from a country full of cowboys who love war, guns and hamburgers and whose hobbies include hoe-downs, Dukes of Hazzard car shows and flag saluting. I mean, that encompasses all of you right? I just wish I didn't enjoy The Sopranos so much...damn, that's a good show!