In Defense Of The Robe

With the recent advent of the Snuggie, the Slanket, the Freedom Blanket, the Blankoat, and the Wearable Towel, it seems like a whole lot of people are trying to improve or reinvent the robe these days.

But is this change warranted, I ask?

It most certainly is not. Innovation is impossible on a flawless design such as the robe. Ask Hugh Hefner, Saint Francis of Assisi, or Gandalf The Grey, they'll tell you.

I thought I'd also take a moment to say that regardless what abomination some retired Midwesterner thinks up in the coming years, I'm sticking with my robe for warmth, comfort and drying purposes. It hasn't failed me yet, and that kind of reliability is hard to find anywhere these days.

Oh sure, a Snuggie or a Slanket may cover your feet better than a robe, but it makes you look like an asshole—and there's no coming back from that, believe me—once an asshole, always an asshole.

I mean, just wear some goddam socks and, voilà, problem solved.

And that Wearable Towel? It's basically just a toga; good luck trying to keep your shoulders warm and dry on a cool winter night with that stupid thing on. It's useless, forget about it.

So, in conclusion, suck it, Snuggie; eat shit, Slanket; and go fuck yourself, Wearable Towel.

LONG LIVE THE ROBE!!!