Warning: Inane Content Inside

More nonsense for your reading pleasure:

--Christian Bale is the little kid in "Empire of the Sun"?! Am I completely dumb for just figuring this out or what? It was on TV tonight, good movie, I hadn't seen it in years. Probably never even in English. First time I saw it was dubbed in Italian, probably in 1988. Ah, dubbed movies, the ultimate in crappiness.

--In Adrienne&Luca news, Adrienne got a job at a supertrendycool bakery/cafe today to supplement her daily grind at Starbucks and I had an interview for a job at Barnes & Noble. I think I got the job but they haven't called me with the news just yet. Let's hope that happens tomorrow.

--Saw "Borat" on Monday and it was hi-larious. I suggest you get your ass to the theater A.S.A.P.; if you've ever wanted to see two hairy men fighting and wrestling naked for what is seemingly an eternity (and you know you do), you're in luck. It's probably the most disgusting display of unsightly body hair I've ever seen. And there's teabagging involved. That's right. Ballsack in the face. Need I say more? GO SEE IT!!!

--I'm recording music again for the first time in months and I'm enjoying the process. I really need to take advantage of all the instruments and recording equipment I've collected over the years and create something worthwhile. I'm pretty proud of this new stuff. Lots of different instrumentation and textures. And I'm getting better at recording and mixing. I wish I could sing, it would make everything so much easier. I can come up with interesting melodies, I just can't execute them. Know anybody that can sing? And I mean that in a strictly non-American Idol or Rock Star Supernova way.

--The election results were somewhat pleasing. On the one hand, the Republican rule is over and that is undoubtedly a good thing. Their blatant disregard for basic human decency and constant glorification of ignorance has been obscene. We are all dumber for having been conscious through the last six years. On the other hand, I really have no faith that anything will actually change with the Democrats in control. Not these Democrats. They're just not hardcore liberal enough for me and plus Bush will finally get a chance to use his veto power so it looks like he'll have to take less vacations from now on. What a jerkoff. I'm really sick of seeing his face and his shit-eating grin.

Lately just thinking about politics makes my stomach twist into a knot. I wish something would happen on a massive worldwide scale that would shake the foundations of the establishment and turn everything that's grown stale into something fresh. Positive or negative, I don't care. If millions of people have to die in the process, I'm willing to accept it. Am I reverting to my juvenile, anarchist, listening to RageAgainstTheMachine views? Maybe. I want progress and major social overhauling and I want it NOW.

But you do it; I'm busy writing blogs on MySpace and watching Family Guy.

At least maybe the focus of the nation will move away from such meaningless and trivial things like gay marriage and flag burning and I hope more pressing matters will be addressed. We definitely have to have a shift of priorities as a peoples. But what does it matter what I think, I can't even vote.

All right, time for bed. Good night and good luck.

A Few Other Things

-Happy Halloween everybody! I hope you have fun tonight and that you don't get stalked by homicidal masked killers. I hate it when that happens. Unfortunately I won't be doing a damn thing tonight because Adrienne has to work until late. No giant baby costume this year. Maybe I'll be stalking babysitters and teenagers to make them pay for being dirty, sinful fornicators and underage drinkers. It could be a new career path for me.

-Speaking of careers, my Guitar Center one is over. Yes, it was over before it even began actually. You see, after training for one week on things like "Five Personality Characteristics of Good Salespersons", "Five Ingredients of Customer Service" and "Five Core Values of G.C." amongst many other tidbits of useless corporate propaganda, I took on the "floor" with my fellow salesmen. In my first day on said "floor" I sold a vintage Gibson SG for the hefty price of $2,000. Since my salary is largely based on commission, I was very happy to start off selling such an expensive item. However, since I was new I still needed help with operating their archaic computer system at the checkout counter. So, one of the more experienced salesmen (who admitted to me that he used to be a used car salesman and who had spent the entire morning talking shit to me about the other employees) happily helped me and managed to keep 100% of the commission for himself in the process, all the while informing me to my face that this was a common, albeit non-official, practice for the first couple of weeks. You can imagine how I reacted to this. I informed this gentleman that I was not in the habit of letting people screw me over right to my face and I also let him know what I thought of his little unofficial policy. I then took it up with management and upon seeing their apathetic response I decided that these were not the kind of people I wanted around me on a regular basis (plus many other crappy things that I won't get into right now happened while I was there). So I quit. No regrets. Fuck 'em. I told them to send me my check in the mail and that I would not be back in the building. I really have grown to have no patience for despicable behavior and I really don't feel like I have to be part of it. So that''s that. By the way, the five personality characteristics of good salespersons are "Outgoing, Enthusiastic, Tenacious, Sincere and Humble". They should add "Douchebag" to the list.

-I saw "Running With Scissors" on Saturday and I enjoyed it very much. All the actors involved put in great performances and the story, based on Augusten Burroughs' book, is wonderful. Very much like Wes Anderson's work, the movie evokes the same kind of moods of "The Royal Tenenbaums" (and not just because of Gwyneth Paltrow being in both movies). Funny, sad, witty and whimsical = Good movie in Luca's book. Go see it.

-I'll be in Nashville this weekend for the Carroll/Hargis wedding. I can't wait, it should be a lot of fun. Let me take some time now to apologize to the people who will be attending for the vile, embarrassing things I'm most certainly going to do while intoxicated at the reception. I haven't been drunk in months, I hope you understand.

Musings On Marie Antoinette

I saw Marie Antoinette last night and the experience brought up a few questions.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I enjoyed Sophia Coppola's previous work; I liked Lost In Translation very much and even though I've never been able to catch The Virgin Suicides from beginning to end, I liked what I saw. And it goes without saying that I liked the soundtracks to each of those respective movies; having Kevin Shields, Elvis Costello and Air songs playing behind key scenes definitely contributed to me enjoying those movies. And by starting Marie Antoinette with a Gang of Four song, Coppola got me paying attention again. But that's the problem isn't it?

I couldn't help but feel like I was being emotionally massaged by the filmmaker. She was just giving me what I wanted but for all the wrong reasons. The "I like Gang of Four and the Strokes and the Cure so by having their songs in your movie, I have to like your movie" approach. The same mentality goes with the visuals of the movie. They are stunning but not in a way that isn't pandering to anyone who appreciates beauty. I mean, it mostly takes place at Versailles and the ornate costumes are wonderful and certainly worthy of recognition, but those things are inertly beautiful; they don't inspire beauty, they are beauty. Anything shot at Versailles is going to be visually striking, it's friggin' Versailles!

And since Coppola leaves most of the storytelling to visuals, this is a problem. There really isn't much in the way of dialogue. Jason Schwartzman's character has about as much of it as Arnold Schwarzenegger had in the original "Terminator" and it really bothered me to see him playing the Shop Girl character again without any of the charm or endearing aspects. His character just had very little depth. And unfortunately the same can be said about Kirsten Dunst who showed more range in Bring It On than in her last three or four movies combined.

I couldn't help but think that this movie was like watching an episode of MTV's My Super Sweet Sixteen (a dreadful and frightengly unironic half-hour long look into spoiled little fuckers and their over the top and insanely expensive sweet sixteen parties where all their pathetic, superficial and hateful whims are fulfilled by their empty, loveless rich parents; basically MTV's greatest and latest middle finger in the face of cultural responsibility). I mean, by the end of the movie I was ready for the hungry mob to breach Versailles and start cutting heads. Fuckin-a! Let the righteous mob act out their displeasure with the monarchy with the business end of sickles and pitchforks and by publicly beheading the fuckers. Every country needs some social purging every few decades. Fuck the rich.

But the movie isn't about that. It's about isolation. It's about being unfulfilled and attempting to find meaning in superficial pleasures. But it's no morality tale and it's not really rewarding to watch.

I don't know, maybe I'm just nitpicking at it because I expected more. I mean, it got pretty good reviews across the board so what do I know? But I am sick of people telling me I'm supposed to like certain movies solely because of the filmaker involved or because they seem original compared to the majority of mainstream nationwide releases-- but just because it has more artistic value than Employee of the Month doesn't mean it's that much more enjoyable to watch.

Sophia Coppola is a great talent, there's no doubt about that. But I hold her up to the same standard that I hold her father (and any director, or artist for that matter). The Godfather: Part Three sucked in comparison to the first two in my opinion, but so what? You can't win them all. The first two movies make up for the suckiness of the third and that certainly doesn't dissuade me from continuing to seek out Francis Ford Coppola's work. I'll probably go see her next movie regardless.

Now you go see it for yourself and let me know what you think.

A Few Things

Hey there, here's a few things:

-As some of you know, it was my birthday a week ago. I turned 28, which is nowhere near thirty. Beside the annual internal freakout ("I'm old and past my prime! What the hell am I doing with my life?! Is this really where I imagined I'd be at 28?!"), I had a good time. Adrienne arranged a romantic dinner on our balcony and made me a cake. It was yummy. She also got me a melodica, which is a cross between a harmonica and an accordion. Very cool. If you don't know what it sounds like listen to the left channel of your stereo during the chorus of "Clint Eastwood" by the Gorillaz or "Tomorrow Comes Today" on the same album and you'll get the idea.

-I'm starting a new job on Thursday at the Guitar Center. I need money. They offered to pay me money in return for selling guitars. I agreed to do so. We'll see what happens. Does this mean I've given up my search for a "serious" job? No, it just means that I've grown tired of having to watch my spending habits. I'm pretty sick of having to say no to things that I want, even if it's just a magazine or another beer with dinner. Hell, me and Adrienne's idea of a nice dinner out lately is a trip to the Chick-Fil-A across the street. I'm about done with that lifestyle.

-I did however put down $6.50 on a matinee movie ticket to "Jackass 2" recently and it was money well spent. I laughed hard. And I guarantee that you can show me that movie at any point in my life and I will find it funny. And that my friends is called "Timelessness" -- or "continously being immature" if you want to be a dick about it.

-Have you downloaded the new version of iTunes yet? How cool is the new album cover side-scrolling view?! I had to go and download all the covers of my albums right away. It took a while considering I have 33GB of music on there. I'm such a fucking slave to my own obsessive compulsive behavior, I know. I even had to go copy and paste a bunch of covers from Allmusic and Amazon since iTunes couldn't locate them. But clearly it was all worth it.

-We're about to hit the third anniversary of Elliott Smith's death here in ten or so days. I have never been affected by a musician's death as much as I have by his. It was truly like I had lost a friend. The circumstances in which I found out about his death are quite memorable too. I had just returned from Italy where I had attended my sister's wedding and I was staying with my parents in Michigan. I was in a record store in Ann Harbor buying two Pavement singles that I found in their clearance section when I approached the counter. There sat Elliott's XO album on a cardboard stand with the words "Elliott Smith R.I.P." written on top. Shocked by this sight I immediately asked the clerk what had happened and he said "Dude killed himself". I hurried home to my parent's place where I turned on the tv, even though I really didn't expect to hear any details. Like MTV was gonna interrupt their Real World marathon to even mention that he had died. CNN said nothing. My parents still hadn't given in to getting the internet so I didn't find out the gruesome details of his death until I reached home a few days later. I was truly sad. It was even more emotional hearing his songs on From A Basement On A Hill when it came out posthumously. What a shame. I hear Kill Rock Stars will soon release a collection of b-sides that were recorded around the time of his first three albums. I'll be glad to actually have an official release of those songs even though many of them have popped up on various bootlegs and on the internet over the years.

-I'm trying to limit the amount of ellipses I use (you know "..."). I've been known to use a lot in my writing and I got to thinking that perhaps it wasn't a good representation of how I speak. It makes it seem like all my statements are open ended and unfinished. And it comes with the assumption that the sentence isn't finished and that you should fill in the rest yourself which isn't something I necessarily want to subject people to do. You have so many other things to think about already...(Aaahh shit, I knew I couldn't do it!!!)


All right, I gotta go to bed now. Don't be shy and leave a comment once in a while. I miss all of you terribly.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

I am often blessed and illuminated with grand ideas but unfortunately I lack the ability to determine if they are in fact worthy of pursuing. Let me know what you think:

-A book offering unhealthy ways to lose weight; filled with detrimental advice as well as harmful, albeit efficient weight loss procedures and tactics. Example chapters: "The Power-Eating Minute Diet: Enough For The Whole Day--Eat Anything You Want From 4am to 4:01am", "Tapeworm: The Friend Within", "Explosive Expulsion: Incorporating Gastric Purging Into Your Social Routines", "Self-Serving Self-Mutilation: Lose 40lb With Just One Swipe of a Chainsaw" and "Just Don't Eat: Put The Plate Down And Pick Up Your Self Esteem, Fat Ass!". Preface by Nicole Richie!

-A triple album on six sides of marbled vinyl based on the life of Gérard Depardieu limited to 999 import-only copies; from his poverty-stricken childhood to his rise to international fame and fortune as the world's undisputed greatest thespian, the music would shift in genre and mood as the different phases of his distinguished life unfold. I imagine that the six-parted saga about his portrayal of Andre, the loving but neglectful French father of fourteen-year old Nicole in the 1994 classic, "My Father The Hero" would be interpreted by syncopated handclaps and a glorious, squealing trio of tenor saxes. It would all come to a crashing end in a dramatic crescendo titled, "Unnecessary Nude Scene in "The Man in the Iron Mask", where our fearless hero drops trou and exposes his illustrious behind for all our starving eyes to consume. I imagine a 40 piece jug band would accompany this piece, fading out in an ethereal orgy of cacophony. Liner notes by Nicole Richie!

-A documentary which recounts the life and work of Nineteenth century Russian utopian socialist writer Nikolai Gavrilovich Chernyshevsky through interviews with celebrities who have never heard of him. Hear Jessica Simpson's thoughts on class struggle as she relates her own stories of how "like one time, I had to pump my own gas and I didn't know how!" Watch Vin Diesel's face contort with confusion as he struggles with the contradictions of dialectical materialism paired with socialist idealism, much like it did when he was forced to deliver dialogue in "The Chronicles of Riddick". Observe Jean-Claude Van Damme trying to figure out what's going on as he's asked about his own ascetic lifestyle in relation to Nikolai's. And the coupe de grace, a fiery diatribe by Whitney Houston as she demands to speak with her agent. DVD commentary track by Nicole Richie!

I know they need a little work, but I think these are all unflappable ways to make millions of dollars. So don't come a-knocking at my mansion door looking for handouts when the time comes, I'll be too busy counting money.

An Open Letter To Ethnic Food Marketers

Now, let me preface my little rant with this...

Those who know me, or have been to a restaurant with me, are familiar with my self-imposed culinary restrictions and lack of sense of adventure towards new foods. Yes, my diet is largely composed of complex carbohydrates and yes, I've eaten more potatoes than your average Irishman. I don't eat meat, fish or anything that would probably break me of my girlish figure. I'm aware of this and I'm fine with it.

You might say that because of this I don't have a foot to stand on the subject of culinary critique. However, you should also be aware by now that I expect the highest quality of ingredients and the best method of preparation of the few things I do eat. I can be quite critical of even the simplest dish if the ingredients aren't done justice. In my mind, a poorly prepared dish, either because of substandard ingredients or inaccurate doneness, doesn't deserve to be eaten. Food should always be enjoyable and a source of great pleasure and never just something to fill your stomach until the next meal. And this my friends, is the basic Italian philosophy towards eating. A philosophy that I embrace fully and hence gives me the right to rant about the following subject.

I'm talking about the continued proliferation and immensely popular mass marketing of "authentic" Italian food products by American restaurant chains.

As an Italian I am forced to take a stand against this cultural injustice and set the record straight. You've heard me cringe at Olive Garden commercials as they repeatedly use old Italian stereotypes to pimp their new "genius" comestible concoctions. You've also probably been on the receiving end of one of my lectures about how there's no such thing as Alfredo sauce in Italy and how it's purely an American invention. I'm sorry, I can't help it. If you were in Germany and someone told you that David Hasselhoff represented the essence of American rock music you'd have to set them straight, wouldn't you? So when I see a Wendy's commercial for their new "Frescata Italiana sandwich" I have to vent about how there's no such word in the Italian language and nobody's ever heard of Genoa salami and what the fuck does Wendy's know about Italian food anyway?!?

It's just the latest of completely fabricated "authentic" Italian dishes. Jack In The Box came out with the "Panido" sandwiches a while back which I guess was supposed to be their take on an Italian panino, which by the way just means sandwich...any kind of sandwich (I guess a peanut butter and jelly panino doesn't really fool anyone into thinking they're ordering something even mildly exotic). It's a slap in the face to anyone who knows better.

Pizza Hut constantly does this too, like they haven't completely destroyed the concept of pizza already. They just came out with their new "Sicilian Lasagna Pizza". First of all, lasagna is mostly a Northern Italian dish so I don't know what the hell it has to do with Sicily which is the Southern-most point of Italy. It's just something you would never see anywhere in Italy. And have you seen the commercial for it?! It's just insulting. And I don't get insulted easily; just ask my friends who habitually call me a wop to my face. I've got thick skin but when I see a large corporation perpetuating tired stereotypes it sickens me. They should know better.

What's even worst is when a restaurant is trying to pass off that they're "authentic" Italian and they mispell or misuse words on the menu. Mafiosa's in Nashville has something like eight mispelled words on their menu. Can't they take the time to make sure that at least they spell shit right? I mean they're gonna fuck up the food, but at least they could spell it right on the menu. They could run it by the Italian professor right up the street at Belmont University, probably for free. That's all it takes.

And I know that the notion that anything can be authentic without being consumed at the spot of origin is dubious but that's precisely why these restaurant chains should change their marketing approach. Just say that you made the shit up and market it as Italian-inspired but completely made in America. And stop using Italian stereotypes as your spokepersons.

The thing that gets me about those stereotypes is that they're using early 20th Century Southern Italian stereotypical behavior so it's not even accurate or comprehensive of the whole nation. You want more accurate and up-to-date stereotypes? There's a bunch. Italians are mostly neurotic, fad-obsessed and love their cell phones. Those aren't as fun but at least they're more encompassing of the inhabitants of my country.

But whatever. I should've expected it from a country full of cowboys who love war, guns and hamburgers and whose hobbies include hoe-downs, Dukes of Hazzard car shows and flag saluting. I mean, that encompasses all of you right? I just wish I didn't enjoy The Sopranos so much...damn, that's a good show!

A Night At The Movies

So I just got back from seeing "Elizabethtown" and the main thing I took from it is that Orlando Bloom is wearing my fucking shirt at the end of the movie...the shirt I'm wearing in my current profile pic. It was completely and utterly distracting to see something I've worn dozens of times up on the big screen. It ruined the whole ending. Also, may I note that Kirsten Dunst has really crooked teeth but she's still akwardly charming (read "charming" as "i'd-like-to-slip-a-finga-down-tha-crack-of-dat-ass") .

Oh yeah. . .the movie was alright. It had good music in it but way too much forced dialogue. It would have been better had there been different casting for the leads perhaps. But who am I to play movie critic. . .I'm a music critic.

Records Reviews 10/3

Here is my thoughts on a few of the latest releases:

Franz Ferdinand You Could Have It So Much Better - The second album from these four stylish Scottish lads doesn't dissappoint. It's actually pretty damn impressive. Solid songs, every one of them could be a single. It could have been the perfect summer album if it had in fact come out in the summer. Give 'em a chance if you haven't already, they're worth it.

Blood On The Wall Awesomer - It is in fact awesomer than most albums. Heavy on the late 80's/early 90's Sonic Youth influence, but more listenable and probably better than most SY albums of that era. Great guitar work, shouted female/male vocals and muscular drumming throughout. I suspect they're probably great live. Highly recommended.

Wolf Parade Apologies To The Queen Mary - Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse produced their debut album for Sub Pop and it shows. Reminiscent of Modest Mouse's early albums sans the harshness as well as the Arcade Fire's more Bowie-inspired numbers. Cool artwork too.

Calla Collisions - Calla's fourth album is probably their strongest yet. Moody, guitar driven rock at its best.

Devendra Berhart Cripple Crow - This album changes moods a lot. It goes from folky quiet to Sgt. Pepper freakout from one song to the next. I think that it kind of takes away from the cohesiveness of the album and certainly makes it less memorable. But on the other hand there is some strong songwriting on the album, so I shouldn't bitch too much. Half of the album is in Spanish, so if you get off on that kind of thing, have at it.

Death Cab For Cutie Plans - I had fears that their first major label album would be the beginning of the end for this great band. However I was wrong. This album is great. A logical evolution for the band. A lot of the songs have to do with death and loss but not in a depressing way if that's possible. Good job guys.